Thursday, October 10, 1996
Please boycott (and/or smash!) our loyal anti-sponsors:

VP Debate Voted Lamest Event
In All Human History

St. Petersburg, FL - (Oct. 10) - Vice President Al Gore and Republican Vice Presidential Candidate Jack Kemp spent 90 minutes last night on a stage in St. Petersburg Florida, moving their lips and emitting strange sounds into the night.

An audience of winos who'd wandered into the theater looking for a place to sleep, wasn't disappointed. When woken briefly by reporters and asked their opinion, well over 90% claimed the event on stage was easily the lamest in all human history.

Wino Rebecca Kramer of Swampscot, Mass. called it, "Very lame," while wino Bill deLeuuw thought it was, "Incredibly lame," and wino Marlo Brandon of Providence, Rhode Island called it, "Just plain lame." Poly-drug abuser Sonny Bono-Allman probably summed it up best when he called it, "Probably the lamest thing that's ever happened."

Pundits, press, and spin meisters were unavailable for comment.

Though both candidates did everything they could to spice up the debate -- coming out as lesbians, holding crack babies in their arms, snorting crystal meth, urinating onstage, and telling highly personal stories about their favorite spandex cat-fight or acid trip -- the audience of snoozing wino soccer moms and snoring poly-drug-abusing swing voters, appeared unmoved.

For the first time in its history, the Gallup Organization found itself literally unable to poll home viewers on their reaction to the debate. "Almost everyone we called," said pollster Jim Gallup, "Seemed to answer with a drowsy, 'Huh?... What?...' and then fade away completely, before the first question was even asked."

When queried for their comments, both Presidential candidates just stared down at the ground and mumbled, "'Nuff said."

According to the Associated Press, the debate was won by the people who fell asleep within 5 minutes of its start. "The losers were those insomniacs or masochists who failed to pass out until well past the mid-point."


Copyright (c) 1996 by C3F