Friday, October 10, 1997
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Anderson Lee Wins
Nobel Piece Prize

Stockholm, Sweden - (Oct 10) - Pamela Anderson Lee, star of international smash hit TV show, "Baywatch," and the runaway smash hit film "Barb Wire," was, today, awarded the Nobel Piece Prize by the Nobel Piece Prize Awarding Committee, meeting in Oslo, Norway or Stockholm, Sweden or some such cool-sounding Scandinavian town like that.

According to the committee, Anderson Lee received the Piece Prize for being such an ugly, stupid, worthless, motherfucking Piece of shit.

She shared the prize with Java, Microsoft Operating Systems (all of them), Microsoft Applications Software, Push Technology, advertising, and Geraldo, who all, according to the Committee, won for the same reasons as Mrs. Lee.

The prize itself is a solid-gold, diamond-studded, life-like, anatomically-correct replica of a huge reeking turd, which, when viewed under the right lighting conditions, bears an uncanny resemblance to has-been/never-was "action" star, Steven Seagal.

Wired Magazine Gets Facelift, Liposuction,
Breast Implants, Lip Job

In a drastic shake-up that has stunned both the publishing and high-tech worlds, "Wired Magazine," the inventor of the Internet and technology itself, will undergo massive changes in personnel, appearance, content, and focus.

The magazine, which has seen its readership and ad revenues nose-dive drastically over the past few years, as its ossified content became increasingly irrelevant to the concerns of anyone with half a fucking brain, has hired fading sex-bomb and Nobel Piece Prize Laureate, Pamela Anderson Lee, to take the reigns of the publication, which will, of course, upon her arrival, change its name to "Barb Wired!"

All other changes are just too fucking obvious to even bother mentioning.

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