Friday, October 11, 1996
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Dole's October Surprise:
'I'm a Marxist!'

Piscataway, NJ - (Oct. 11) - Republican Presidential candidate, Bob Dole, literally shocked an audience of party faithfuls at a rally in Piscataway, New Jersey, today, when he dropped the veil he'd worn for a near-lifelong career in the US Congress.

"Today, I wanna re-introduce myself and I wanna level with the American people," the candidate announced. "My name's Bob Dole -- and I'm a Marxist-Leninist! That's right. A Marxist-Leninist! -- Marxist-Leninist! -- Marxist-Leninist!"

The crowd, apparently stunned and confused, at first, quickly warmed to the charisma of the candidate and, remembering their loyalty to the man, soon began cheering wildly again.

Noticeably encouraged by the support, Dole held up a picture of Bill Clinton, pointing repeatedly to it and chanting, "He's a liberal! -- He's a liberal! -- He's a liberal!" with the crowd cheering him on.

"And he's a wishy-washy liberal at that." Dole continued. "But I'm no liberal. Bob Dole's not a liberal -- but Bob Dole's no lame, tight-ass conservative either! Bob Dole's a flaming, raging Marxist-Leninist! Always have been, always will be. Just been playing Republican to get elected so I could spread my Commie Pinko ideas all over Washington. Free Huey! That's my Motto. Free Huey! Free Huey!"

Dole, in perhaps the most impassioned speech of his career, then went on to tell the assembled workers of the world, that "It's time for you people to unite -- because you have nothing to lose! Nothing to Lose! Nothing to Lose!" Then adding, in one of his patented sarcastic asides, "'Cept maybe your CHAINS!" And the crowd went wild.

When a woman in the audience got up to leave, however, Dole suddenly changed gears. "And Bob Dole's a lesbian and a transsexual too," he shouted to the crowd and specifically to the woman. "And for all you other lesbians out there, lemme just say that Bob Dole knows first hand, that Men Suck! Men Suck! Men Suck!" And 52.3% of the audience jumped to its collective feet, to roar approval.

But when a man started to leave, Dole shifted gears again, "And Bob Dole likes to hit on babes whenever he can," the candidate intoned, "There's nothing Bob Dole likes better than a quick blow job in a cheap hotel room from some star-struck local bitch."

At which point, the remaining 47.7% of the audience jumped to its feet, screaming and cheering.

Late rumors from the White House indicate that a seriously worried Bill Clinton is considering a number of options, and is already growing a beard and tattooing on fake needle marks, in anticipation of running as a Shining Path Maoist heroin addict.


Copyright (c) 1996 by C3F