The Washington Pissed
Monday, Oct 11, 1999

  Schmuck To Seek
Reform Potty Nod

Real Estate mongol, Donald Schmuck, lovingly known by himself and his many admirers as "the Schmuck," announced today that he would seek the nomination of the Reform Potty for the Presidency of the United States of America. The Schmuck

Schmuck, owner of the lavish Schmuck Towers, Schmuck Palace, Schmuck Place, Schmuck International Plaza, Schmuck International Hotel and Tower, and Schmuck Casinos where many wannabe Schmucks come to try to talk and act just like little Schmucks, feels he should be President because he is just so, you know, just soooo damn cool -- even if being just soooooo damn cool is just sooooo fucking yesterday, or whenever.

"There are billions of people who are jealous of me becuase they know they can't ever hope to be as cool as I am...." he started to tell reporters, but suddenly was interrupted by a close aide running up and whispering news of some massive corporate collapse or drug deal in his ear, followed by him rushing off in his Mercedes stretch limo to his Sikorsky helicopter to be whisked off to his personal Boeing 727 jet, warmed and ready on a nearby runway to fly him to some distant country to strong-arm or hard ball some stalled deal between the heads of warring nations over oil rights or spice tariffs, meanwhile scoring all their wives and hottest babes in both their nations in a few hours and then hurrying back to finish the interview, ".. and as a result they never seem to get shit done. If you know what I mean."

Schmuck went on to tell Newsweak that as soon as he becomes President his first and only priority would be to devote all the power and resources of the federal government to solving the seemingly intractable problem of how there's just too many people coming out of the bathroom who want to shake his hand.

"It's a barbaric custom," Schmuck told Newsweak. "Maybe if they were just coming from a meeting with Reform Potty heads, it would be different."

The Reform Potty was first used as a platform by Ross Perot founder of EDS on CNN's the Larry King Show. Since then, Ted Turner's WCW's Jesse Ventura has also used the Reform Potty and CNN's and PBS's Pat Buchanan is thinking about using the Reform Potty, cause he says he doesn't wanna use George W. Bush's all ducky-wucky Republican Potty no more.

And, according to many political analysts, Buchanan is the "person" who Schmuck will have to beat off, if he wants to use the Reform Potty to help him make it to the White House.

According to these analysts, once Schmuck beats off Buchanan, he will automatically become the first President to be voted in on the Reform Potty platform, which promises a chicken in every potty and no more people coming directly out of bathrooms and going directly up to President Donald Schmuck to directly shake his Reform Potty hand or kiss his Reform Potty mouth-ring.


[ PREVIOUS   |   ARCHIVES   |   C3F   |   MFU ]


Copyright (c) 1999 by HC
Buy his book MFU - Support his fragile ego.
And check out the site of his no-longer starving publisher, the [Im]Permanent Press