Monday, October 12, 1998
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Stoned Out South American Author Wins Nobel Prize

Totally stoned out South American author, Rebecca Kramer, was, today, awarded the coveted Nobel Prize for Literature Done Totally Stoned On Your Ass.

Kramer, an Argentinian by birth, is probably best known not for writing, but by her neighbors, for screaming out the word "DYNA-MITE!!" after a single hit of virtually anything you can stuff in a pipe and smoke.

Apparently, many bitter runners-up for the prestigious award claim this practise unfairly biased the Nobel Prize Selection Committee in Kramer's favor, though, of course the committee adamantly denies it.

"Kramer's bona fides," claimed Nobel Prize for Literature Done Totally Stoned On Your Ass Selection Committee member, Beverley Firestone, "are beyond reproach. She has already been previously awarded the coveted Pulitzer Prize for Literature Done Totally Stoned On Your Ass for the sentence, 'I'd rather be stoned, passing out listening to Lush, than be a lush, passing out listening to the Stones.'

"She has also won the prestigious National Book Award For Literature Done Totally Stoned On Your Ass, for the phrase, '...the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- or whatever.'"

Kramer won the coveted Nobel Prize for Literature Done Totally Stoned On Your Ass, for modifying the popular advertising tagline, "No vomit aftertaste!" to the even more popular advertising tagline, "No vomit aftertaste, WHATSOEVER!!!"

Gubernatorial Candidate Caught Sober By FBI Sting

The current governor of and gubernatorial candidate for re-election to the governorship of the state of Michigan, Governor Garth Register Jr. of Michigan, confessed to police and FBI, early this morning, that not only was he stone cold sober at the time of the arrest, but also that he was wearing a bright yellow shirt which would look like shit on the evening news.

"I don't know what got into me," the obsequiously apologetic governor and gubernatorial candidate told FBI interrogators. "I am totally ashamed of myself, and I promise the people of Michigan that I will try to do much much better on the next government sting operation."

The Governor also confessed to frequently not only not being shit-faced at all, but also to frequently, when shit-faced, not really being shit-faced enough, and admitted that not being totally shit-faced all the time, made it extremely difficult to carry out the many varied duties of his office.

When asked what the duties of his office were, the Governor replied "Excellent question!!! The duties of my office are to be totally shit-faced all the time so I can carry out the duties of my office which, if I could carry them out totally sober, I'd have to be a miserable lying scumbag to be able to do so, and then when the next election came around, my lying scumbag opponent could call me a lying scumbag, and I wouldn't have recourse to the standard gubernatorial defense of how my past record was just, you know, the liquor talkin'..."

The governor also admitted that the only reason he was running for a second term as governor, is because he really likes the word "gubernatorial."

"Its roots are the Latin word 'goober,' which means a big peanut covered with chocolate, and 'natorial,' which means to swim or float. So gubernatorial means you get to have lotsa chocolate-covered peanut-size objects floating in the pool beside you as you swim your gubernatorial laps every morning.

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