'60s Popsters Sue Country Star, Diva, Comedian, Shrink
Attorneys for recently re-united and just about to go on tour 60's pop group Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young have filed suit, today, against country star Johnny Cash, opera diva Beverly Sills, comedian Bill Cosby, and the estate of psychologist Carl Jung, alleging trademark infringement and copyright violation.

The 4 performer/defendants are accused of conspiracy to knowingly mislead the public by selling CDs and concert tickets under the name of their recently formed bogus "group:" Cosby, Sills, Cash, and Jung.

"These 4 so-called 'people' have no reason to be in the same room together, let alone the same 'group,'" CSNY's attorneys argued.

The off-the-wall performance group, originally known as Cosby, Sills, and Cash, had, only last week, tacked the name "Jung" onto its name, to reflect the addition of dead psychologist Carl Jung on bass and chocolate sauce.

Telecommunicationers Seek Digestive Convergence
At this year's World Telecom '99 conference in Geneva Switzerland, telecommunications and technology firms are touting the coming "convergence" of digestive and communications technology.

"We've fucking tried and failed to converge telecommunications with everything else, so why not try and fail to converge telecommunications with the technology that brought us such great bodily functions as belching, and forward and reverse peristalsis," said Joe Telecom, impresario of the eponymous World Telecom '99.

The concept of convergence -- where something that isn't making it pretends to do something called "converge" with something else that isn't making it either -- has been a common load of utter fucking bullshit, passed freely among networking hardware makers over the past year.

Convergent technologies, analysts say, will give analysts something to say something about for at least another few months, at which point they will be able to talk about how rather than rebuild after the Oct 15th quake, California was simply abandoned to 3Com, Nortel Networks, Lucent Technologies, Cabletron Systems, and others who are all expected to make announcements this week that tout their individual strategies for networks that combine chewing, swallowing, and weird stomach noises with high-speed data transmissions.

SCIENCE
Physics all wrong! Forgot to convert f=ma back from Pig Latin

BASEBALL
Playoff game stuck in endless scoreless tie

QUAKES
Prima donna seismologists demand recording contracts and 6-picture deals in exchange for revealing time and location of Oct 15th California Quake