Monday, October 14, 1996
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Starving Children Eat Sally Struthers

Buenos Aires, Argentina - (Oct. 14) - A mob of starving local children, ages 5 to 7, attacked and ate American actress Sally Struthers, yesterday, while they rehearsed a commercial for the "Save the Starving Children Foundation," on an outdoor set near Buenos Aires.

The 20 children, who'd been hired to appear starving and naked in the background of the commercial where Ms. Struthers begs the American people to please send money to save them, had intentionally not been fed since they'd arrived on set, early in the morning.

According to an anonymous representative of the Save the Poor Starving Children Foundation, "We had some technical problems and the shoot was delayed about 6 hours, but we had to keep the kids hungry so they'd be in character when the cameras rolled. Otherwise, the whole thing would look fake -- and no one's gonna send their hard-earned money to save a bunch of over-fed arrogant little assholes. Right?"

Apparently the children had stood by and watched while the rest of the cast and crew scarfed down whole truckloads of expensive catered food. When finally left alone with Ms. Struthers to rehearse a crucial scene, they instinctively began picking at her excess flesh and, when she resisted, they just picked harder, till eventually they wound up killing and eating her.

The children denied they'd done anything wrong, and blamed it on the producers for starving them like that, and then leaving them alone with someone who had enough extra meals in her to comfortably feed a small town.

In her 10 year stint with the foundation, Ms. Struthers had raised tens of millions of dollars to pay other out-of-work, out-of-shape actors to fly around the world shooting bogus commercials pretending to raise money to save other kinds of suffering people.

When reached at her home, singer, Dionne Warwick was too busy organizing her next money-losing AIDS fund-raiser, to comment on the tragic event.

In a random phone sampling, about 20% of all people questioned, when told that Sally Struthers had just been eaten by starving children, found it "really unfortunate," while 75% thought it was "about time," and 5% had no opinion either way.

Ms. Struthers is survived by her two popular performer siblings, the Struthers Brothers.

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