Tuesday, October 15, 1996
Please boycott (and/or smash!) our loyal anti-sponsors:

Microsoft Re-Launches 'Network'
With All New Lineup of Worthless Crap

Redmond, WA - (Oct. 15) - In an attempt to shut off the endless whining and digital Pollyanisms of AOL President Steve Case, Microsoft Corporation today re-launched its miserable failure of an online service, flamboyantly unre-named the Microsoft Network.

According to Microsoft Chairman, Bill Gates, "It's time to cut all the pie-in-the-sky 'Digital Revolution' bullshit and get down to the pure blatant hucksterism that people understand and love. We know our audience is a buncha fucking morons, and they know they're a buncha fucking morons, too, and they know that we know that they know. And so on, recursively.

"So the new MSN simply starts from that understanding. A year ago we sat down with the best minds of our generation and asked ourselves, 'If I was the biggest fucking loser in all human history, what kind of features would I want from an online service?' And so we've tailored the new MSN to the lowest possible denominator kinda guy."

According to people who've seen it and test-driven it, the new MSN answers the musical question, "What's the absolute lamest, emptiest crap that formerly sensitive, creative people, are willing to sell themselves out to come up with?"

According to Microsoft's payola shills in the press, "The site is really exciting and breathtakingly different. A real breakthrough."

The Network is built around an exciting, new, navigational paradigm that, unfortunately, no one gives a flaming fuck about. Click on a trite icon and see a trite animated-gif promo for a feature you're glad isn't ready yet.

And among these exciting new features to be offered by this exciting new network (but not yet ready for prime time) are:

Expedition: Mall:
Become a crack-riddled, inner-city teen-ager, exploring the wonders of an upscale suburban mall. Loot, terrorize and destroy when you get bored. And when you get tired, kick back and listen to actual verbal exchanges between cashiers and customers -- "Thank You, Sir. Here's your change."

A new feature of Internet Explorer 4.0 allows the user to download real chemical substances, in real time, via the internet -- so with the new Microsoft Joy-stik (TM) in your vein, you can sample the Designer Drug of the Day, or just hook up to the old stand-by Smack-Crack-Crank Stand. Or design your own custom drug-regimen page, and have Bill Gates and Steve Ballmer personally download the drugs of your choice directly into your bloodstream, at the dosage levels and time intervals you specify.

Avenue A:
Yet another really lame on-line soap opera about a bunch of cooky characters trying to make it or something in the big city or something or a bunch of really slimy scumbags trying to cut each others' throats with barbed wire or something. Microsoft's bid to make its name synonymous with Murder, Mayhem, and Mutilation.

Quentin Tarantino's Next Film:
The world premiere of the long-awaited "next film" by America's foremost wunderkind auteur. This 10-frame gif-animation essentially sums up everything the former upstart filmmaker has to say. "This is the last film I'll ever have to make," says Tarantino of his bold new effort, "Now please stop calling me a 'one-trick-pony has-been,' and let me get back to my acting lessons."

15 Seconds of Not Being an Asshole:
Now, you too can have your own golden 15 seconds, just like Andy Warhol promised. But it's not just 15 seconds of fame -- it's something far better. -- It's 15 seconds of not being an asshole -- and it may be the only opportunity you'll ever have to experience this exalted state, which only nude celebrities really get to know first-hand.

At the end of his press conference, Gates was asked if he thought the new Network would help move us closer to the promise of the digital future. He responded by saying, "I know everyone expected our new network to be a real piece of shit, filled with sanctimonies and disingenuousness, and aimed at the lowest level of slime in our tragic population. And I don't think anyone has been disappointed."


Copyright (c) 1996 by C3F