Redmond, WA - (Oct. 15) - In an attempt to shut off the endless whining and digital Pollyanisms of AOL President Steve Case, Microsoft Corporation today re-launched its miserable failure of an online service, flamboyantly unre-named the Microsoft Network.
According to Microsoft Chairman, Bill Gates, "It's time to cut all the pie-in-the-sky 'Digital Revolution' bullshit and get down to the pure blatant hucksterism that people understand and love. We know our audience is a buncha fucking morons, and they know they're a buncha fucking morons, too, and they know that we know that they know. And so on, recursively.
"So the new MSN simply starts from that understanding. A year ago we sat down with the best minds of our generation and asked ourselves, 'If I was the biggest fucking loser in all human history, what kind of features would I want from an online service?' And so we've tailored the new MSN to the lowest possible denominator kinda guy."
According to people who've seen it and test-driven it, the new MSN answers the musical question, "What's the absolute lamest, emptiest crap that formerly sensitive, creative people, are willing to sell themselves out to come up with?"
According to Microsoft's payola shills in the press, "The site is really exciting and breathtakingly different. A real breakthrough."
The Network is built around an exciting, new, navigational paradigm that, unfortunately, no one gives a flaming fuck about. Click on a trite icon and see a trite animated-gif promo for a feature you're glad isn't ready yet.
And among these exciting new features to be offered by this exciting new network (but not yet ready for prime time) are:
Quentin Tarantino's Next Film:
15 Seconds of Not Being an Asshole:
At the end of his press conference, Gates was asked if he thought the new Network would help move us closer to the promise of the digital future. He responded by saying, "I know everyone expected our new network to be a real piece of shit, filled with sanctimonies and disingenuousness, and aimed at the lowest level of slime in our tragic population. And I don't think anyone has been disappointed."
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