Obscenities Fly at Final Debate

San Diego, CA - (Oct. 17) - A genuinely shocked audience at the University of San Diego's Shiley Theater, watched in stunned silence, last night, as Bill Clinton and Bob Dole spent 90 minutes hurling non-stop streams of invective and obscenity in each other's face.

The debate was barely a minute old when things turned ugly. As Dole droned on and on about Whitewater, Travelgate, Paula Jones, Genifer Flowers, Madonna's Baby, and Filegate, Clinton stood nearby, smirking and making farting sounds with his armpit.

When Clinton discussed his creation of "10 million new jobs," Dole nonchalantly gave him the finger while his back was turned, but stopped abruptly and acted totally innocent, whenever Clinton looked his way.

Though moderator, Jim Lehrer, tried to intercede and calm things down, he was quickly told by Dole to, "Shut the f*ck up and take your commie pinko ideas back to your Liberal-Socialist PBS coffee klatches and pot luck dinners."

When the two candidates finally tired of calling each other names like "*ssh*le," "sc*mbag," and "m*therf*cking c*cks*cker," they started viciously attacking each other's wives, parents, offspring and ancestors. "She's just a damn bitch," said Dole. "She's a bitch. She's a bitch. She's a bitch."

"Yeah?" said Clinton, in a well-rehearsed answer tailored for this particular attack, "But at least she's not some plastic bitch who flunked out of stewardess school for being too damn phoney."

This seemed to strike a nerve in Dole, but he stayed calm and delivered his own scripted response, "Yeah, well why don't you just blow me," he said. Which succeeded in angering Clinton enough to elicit a completely unrehearsed, "Yeah, well why don't you just blow yourself, ya old fart!"

Rebecca Kramer, a member of the audience from Chula Vista, California tried to ask a question about Medicare, but was quickly put down by Clinton, who walked right up and stuck his face right in hers, saying, "Why don't you just shut the f*ck up and mind your own f*cking business. This is strictly between me and bozo."

To which Dole snapped back, "Bozo?" "Bozo? You're the Bozo. Ask George Bush. Ask George Bush's little dog, Millie. Ask my dog, Leader. Not just the American people, but even their f*cking dogs know who the bozo is in this election."

At that point, Jim Lehrer tried to regain some semblance of control by tossing off one of his patented, Texas good-old-boy, pseudo-liberal homilies, "Well, I guess we're all sorta just bozos on this bus, gentlemen..." he quipped -- But the response from both candidates was a barrage of Alomar-style logies in his direction, each one accompanied by more exaggerated, more grotesque hocking sounds.

When one of Dole's logies landed squarely on Lehrer's forehead, Clinton was quick to high-five the Senator and hold up his good arm in a victory salute.

"Let's hear it for Senator Dole," Clinton called out to the hesitantly cheering audience, "We may have our differences on the issues, but I still respect him as a man. And just because he's got a mind like one of those toxic waste dumps that never got cleaned up during the Bush administration, with millions of young children living only 5 miles away,-- doesn't mean he still can't hock one mean logie."

Before it was all over, the 2 former rivals found another issue they could agree on.

"F*ck the Soccer Moms!" Dole chanted, and immediately Clinton chimed right in, "I agree. I agree. F*ck the Soccer Moms. I totally agree with Senator Dole on that one. F*ck the Soccer Moms!"

And on this optimistic note, the '96 Presidential Debates were history.