Monday, October 19, 1998
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Children Apparently Bored
By Child Pornography

The US Congress, today, passed the Child Online Privacy Act, which, apparently, will make it totally legal for a child to act, like, all "private" whenever he is caught sending pornography to another child online.

"Like," said Representative Alizondo Ferguson of Mississippi, explaining the bill to reporters, "a child should be free to create whatever pornography he wishes, and he should also be free to send it, online, to any other child he wishes to send it to. So, like, if somebody comes along and says to that child, like, 'Hey, child, what's that you're sending to some other child?' that child has every right to say back to that person, 'hey, none of your fucking business.' Case closed."

Congressman Retrocelli, a dissenting voice in the debate, however, had earlier argued that the entire bill was totally superfluous, and that, instead, it should be illegal for children to produce or direct pornographic films altogether. "If this practise is not stamped out immediately, children, out of boredom or spite, will eventually start selling their pornography to vulnerable adults -- And so then what happens to all those poor adults trying to make an honest living selling child pornography to other honest adults, but who don't have the intellectual, emotional, and spiritual resources to compete with children?"

"Being a child is the hard part," said a child prodigy, child star, and child pornographer who chose to remain anonymous. "But the pornography part is so easy, any child can do it. Adults are fucking OVER! O-V-E-R!!"

Opponents expect that passage of the bill will lead to an explosion of children sending "every manner of perversion and brutality" to unsuspecting adults online, while, at the same time sending only trendy analyses of Kafka and Beckett novels to each other, online.

NYT Offers Totally Custom News

Since it's all just a big fucking lie anyway, the New York Times, announced today that, using advanced artificial intelligence and disk-snooping software from Microsoft, Intel, Compaq, HP, Dell, Oracle, Sun, and Netscape, it will now tell each individual New York Times Online reader "just exactly whatever the fuck he or she wants to hear at that particular moment. Screw whatever's 'actually' happening or not happening! Screw human nature! Screw the laws of physics!"

"This isn't just about giving you the sports stories first, if you're a sports fan, or the financial section first, if you're a moron," said New York Times managing editor, Rebecca Kramer. "This is about actually fabricating news and feature stories from whole cloth, so they match the precise needs of each individual reader, on a per-psyche basis."

To accomplish this, the software apparently scans the user's entire hard drive, develops a complete, psychological profile, and then, borrowing liberally from best-selling novels and top-grossing films, generates a complete utterly bogus news story from scratch.

In actual practise, however, and, apparently, regardless of the individual or contents of his hard drive, all the so-called "custom" news stories are really just the same obvious hit piece about celebrities living in a totally surreal Twilight Zone world where they are the only sane ones in a sea of obsessive people doing nothing but compulsively taking showers, doing laundry, and washing their hair, over and over again, hour after hour, everyday.

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