Monday, October 20, 1997
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CNN Claims Series Tied 1 to 1

Atlanta, GA - (Oct 20) - According to CNN, there's apparently a World Series and it's now apparently tied 1 to 1. Apparently, the World Series is a game.

According to Aristotle, a game is a situation where "a person or group tries to fuck over another person or group and vice versa, while everybody else looks on in a state of murderous self-righteousness and unmitigated fascism."

According to Euripides, the purpose of a game is to "formalize and legalize man's stupidity to man, so that outside the game, in the real world, when people wanna beat the shit out of each other for no fucking reason at all, they now have a peer-reviewed excuse."

Apparently the game known as "The World Series" is played with a little ball that starts out all white and clean and neat and the object is to slam it around with a two-by-for, and throw it into the dirt, and rub all kindsa spit and vaseline and tobacco juice into it till it becomes a beaten rotted out old piece a shit, and then throw it into the stands, where tens of thousands of people have paid a few hundred dollars a head, in order to just be there to have a chance to have a rotted out old piece a shit thrown to them by some prima donna asshole makin' like about a billion dollars per every old wrecked ball he gives away free.

The game is apparently over when there are no more balls left.

According to The New York Times, which is supposedly "the paper of wrecked whores," or "the paper of erect turds," "There are two teams in the World Series this year."

But Wall Street Journal sports columnist, William Schmaltzburger, points out in his dope and trenchant piece in this morning's paper, that "Like, Cleveland's just a city -- but Florida's like, A WHOLE FUCKIN' STATE. So, like, where's the fuckin' fairness in that???"

He then points out that, "While Florida is a great place for gay serial murderers to go to kill pop fashion designers and then hide out on cool houseboats owned by Middle Eastern fugitive-financiers before committing suicide for no fucking reason, all that Cleveland's really good for is for being a place where you can usually sleep unmolested under the stairs at off-ramp Howard Johnsons overnight, before getting back on the road the following morning and hitch-hiking the rest of the way to upstate Michigan to get kicked out and have to bum a ride to Ann Arbor with the kinds of people who do illegal u-turns in heavy traffic nearly killing everybody, just to go back and check out old Morris Minors they spotted rotting in someone's driveway."

Game 3 of the world series will be played either today or tomorrow. After game 3, the series will be 2-1. After that it will either be 2-2 or 3-1. If it's 3-1, the next game will either make it 3-2, or it'll be 4-1 and the Series will be over. But if it's 2-2, then the next game could make it 3-2 too, but if that's the case, then why have even bothered making it 3-1, unless it's gonna go from there to being 4-1, in which case it's over, so, like, why bother having even played at all?

And why not instead, according to CNET, "Just take all the money that would have been wasted on the World Series and just give it away to people, on the condition that they'll all, you know, JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND MIND THEIR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS."

According to Wired Magazine, the inventor of baseball and of being too cute by .51, the World Series is really just an old shamanistic ritual whose goal is to make an earthquake happen and the stock market crash, on the same day. And anything else that happens is just treading water.

Apparently, the winners of the World Series get to pour cheap champagne on each other, and the losers get to form $500-a-day crack habits and be incarcerated for spousal abuse on a freight train.

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