Former Manzarek Pool Cleaner To Seek Republican Nomination
The former pool cleaner of former Door's keyboardist, Ray Manzarek, announced today that he would seek the Republican nomination for "whatever all those other losers are seeking the Republican nomination for."

Manzarek's former pool cleaner said he will be running on a platform of "Hey, I used to be Ray Manzarek's pool cleaner."

He also told reporters that, in order to help win over younger voters, he would pick Sarah Michelle Gellar's former pool cleaner as his running mate.

Dole Pulls the Fuck Out
Former wife of former Bob Dole, Elizabeth Dole, is apparently pulling the fuck out of the U.S. 2000 presidential race, principally because she is just so damn fucking phoney she makes even herself puke.

"I am supposedly pulling the fuck out of the race," Dole told a crowd of tearful former athletes and former supporters, "because I don't have enough money to buy eyeliner. But, really, I am pulling out because I'm just so fucking phoney, I make even me puke."

American People May Go "All Wacky," FBI Warns
The FBI, or possibly some other buncha fuckin' losers, has warned the American people that they, the American people, may just find themselves going, like, "all wacky" when the year 2000 happens.

"The American People may just go 'all wacky,'" said FBI CEO Joe Bee-eye, "because when they keep seeing those 3 zeroes in the year 2000, it will keep reminding them of either their IQs or their reasons for living, or both."

Erratum
On Oct 4th, 1999, this column erroneously ran the erroneous headline: "Next major California quake now scheduled for Oct 15."

Due to an error in conversion from the metric system or Greenwich mean time, or a bug in our software caused by Microsoft, or whoever, the earthquake was delayed until Oct 16.

Though the Washington Pissed maintains a full-time staff of fact checkers with a 3-year record of never ever having ever ever ever said anything that was false or wrong or inaccurate or even a teeeny tiny bit off, or even open to, you know, like, alternate interpretations or whatever (and even when something might possibly have been open to, like, alternate interpretations or misinterpretations, in those cases, all possible interpretations and misinterpretations of all facts were themselves fact checked up the wazoo so that none of our readers could ever possibly ever get the wrong idea about anything, even if the idea they'd got was, itself, you know, totally wrong), an error was eventually bound to sneak by, no doubt because of Microsoft.

Anyway, the Washington Pissed earthquake department sincerely regrets any inconvenience this error may have caused anyone who waited until 2:45 AM, Oct 16 to go ride trains across the Mojave desert in the middle of the night.