Former Manzarek Pool Cleaner To Seek Republican
The former pool cleaner of former Door's keyboardist,
Ray Manzarek, announced today that he would seek the
Republican nomination for "whatever all those other
losers are seeking the Republican nomination for."
Manzarek's former pool cleaner said he will be running
on a platform of "Hey, I used to be Ray Manzarek's pool
He also told reporters that, in order to help win over
younger voters, he would pick Sarah Michelle Gellar's
former pool cleaner as his running mate.
Dole Pulls the Fuck Out
Former wife of former Bob Dole, Elizabeth Dole, is
apparently pulling the fuck out of the U.S. 2000
presidential race, principally because she is just so
damn fucking phoney she makes even herself puke.
"I am supposedly pulling the fuck out of the race," Dole
told a crowd of tearful former athletes and former
supporters, "because I don't have enough money to buy
eyeliner. But, really, I am pulling out
because I'm just so fucking phoney, I make even
American People May Go "All Wacky," FBI Warns
The FBI, or possibly some other buncha fuckin' losers,
has warned the American people that they, the American
people, may just find themselves going, like, "all
wacky" when the year 2000 happens.
"The American People may just go 'all wacky,'" said FBI
CEO Joe Bee-eye, "because when they keep seeing those 3
zeroes in the year 2000, it will keep reminding them of
either their IQs or their reasons for living, or both."
On Oct 4th, 1999, this column
erroneously ran the
erroneous headline: "Next major California quake now
scheduled for Oct 15."
Due to an error in conversion from the metric system or
Greenwich mean time, or a bug in our software caused by
Microsoft, or whoever, the earthquake was delayed until
Though the Washington Pissed maintains a full-time staff
of fact checkers with a 3-year record of never ever
having ever ever ever said anything that was false or
wrong or inaccurate or even a teeeny tiny bit off, or
even open to, you know, like, alternate interpretations
or whatever (and even when something might possibly have
been open to, like, alternate interpretations or
misinterpretations, in those cases, all possible
interpretations and misinterpretations of all facts were
themselves fact checked up the wazoo so that none of our
readers could ever possibly ever get the wrong idea
about anything, even if the idea they'd got was, itself,
you know, totally wrong), an error was eventually bound
to sneak by, no doubt because of Microsoft.
Anyway, the Washington Pissed earthquake department
sincerely regrets any inconvenience this error may have
caused anyone who waited until 2:45 AM, Oct 16 to go
ride trains across the Mojave desert in the middle of
for the Planet:
Invent fabric for tee-shirts that the more of them you buy, the brighter each
one says "consumerism sucks."
Find ways to make all sports teams have .500 seasons every year so nobody ever
wins or loses and eventually the concepts themselves just fade away
Find a food that when maintenance workers eat it, they suddenly stop running
amok and writing things on walls like: "Maintenance just makes things worse."