Clinton Goes Negative --
Targets "Asshole Voters"

New Britain, CT - (Oct. 21) - Trailing Bob Dole in the polls by 15 percentage points, and with just 2 weeks to go before the election, President Clinton took the only course left to him, and went violently negative this week. But rather than aiming his dirt at Dole, he flung it, instead, at the American people.

As his cherried-out tour bus stopped at town after town, Clinton emerged to tell huge, enthusiastic crowds numbering in the tens of thousands, "Ya know, you people really suck. I mean really suck!"

Surprisingly, the crowds seem to respond to this with even louder, wilder cheering, which Clinton senior adviser, George Stephanopoulos, explains by just shrugging and saying. "All we're doing is simply following a strategy developed many years ago by Frank Zappa." ( ed note: Zappa, Frank (1941-1995): offbeat, late 60's rock star; popularized such tunes as "Hungry Freaks, Daddy," and "Good Vibrations"; routinely called his audience "pigs" -- and they loved it.)

"It's based on the idea," Stephanopoulos said, "That most humans (with the exception of politicians and journalists, of course) have such low opinions of themselves, that if you call them filthy names, they'll know, first hand, that you're being totally honest, and will tend to trust you."

And in Clinton's case, it appears to be working like a charm. At a stop in Republican stronghold New Britain, Connecticut, he told a rapt audience, "Yeah, your politicians are corrupt and dishonest and disingenuous and hypocritical. But that's exactly what you deserve. Cause that's what you all are -- corrupt and dishonest and disingenuous and hypocritical, and self-righteous about it, too. It's just that politicians get to do it a lot more often and a lot harder, and they're always in the spotlight when they get caught at it. But these slimy men and women are just like you, the American people. So just shut the fuck up and accept it."

For which he received an ear-shattering ovation.

Hours later, as Clinton's bus pulled up well behind schedule at a rally in Encinitas, California, a pumped-up crowd estimated to be over 25,000 strong, was already chanting enthusiastically, "We! suck! -- We! Suck! -- We! Suck!".

So that, by the time the President strode to the podium to speak, all he had to say was, "You sure doooo!" and the crowd went wild, cheering him non-stop for the next 15 minutes, before finally settling back down, in the palm of his hand.

And recent polls seem to indicate that the strategy is working. Already, Dole's lead has been cut to single digits in many of the key battleground states.

Clinton has even modified his weekly radio address, so that now, each week, he begins by saying: "Good afternoon. Today I'd like to talk to the American people about what a bunch of assholes you all are...."