Tuesday, October 22, 1996
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Clinton Drops Out of Race
After Watching B&W Film

Nutley, NJ - (Oct. 22) - Claiming that, just like the American people, he's bored shitless by the '96 election, President Bill Clinton, today, withdrew his name from the race, at a press conference in the parkinglot outside his $7-a-night motel room near Nutley, New Jersey.

According to the lame duck President, the decision came only last night, while watching a film in the White House screening room.

"Leon Panetta got a copy of this old Black and White English film from the 60's," Clinton told newsmen, "And invited me to take a break and come down and watch it with him. Well, Stephanopoulos was there too so, of course, we hadda all get stoned with him, and I guess maybe it was the weed, but I really, you know, got into the lives of the people up on the screen. Especially the main character."

The soon-to-be-former most powerful man in the most powerful nation in all human history, then described the film to the assembled reporters. "See, this punk kid goes to reform school for some petty crime, but it turns out he's got more raw talent and more pure stamina than anybody else. Eventually, the talentless fat cats who run the reform school find out this kid's the best long-distance runner in the country, so they pump him up and pour their pathetic egos into him -- and promise him if he wins the big race, he'll go free. But meanwhile, of course, it's the fat cats who'll get all the real glory and all the money.

"So the kid runs the race, and outruns everybody else -- but right at the end, just seconds before he's about to cross the finish line and win the big one for THEM, -- right then, he stops dead in his tracks -- and casually jogs off in the other direction.

"And so, ladies and gentlemen of the press, fellow ivy-leaguers, fellow elitists, what I've called you here to announce, is that that's precisely what I'm hereby doing today."

The rambling press conference lasted well over 5 hours, in part because, in the words of the President, "Now that I'm not running for anything anymore, and I don't give a flying fuck about the American people or the ravenous jackals of the press, I can just talk as fucking long as I want, which, as you know, is essentially forever."

Vice President Gore also withdrew from the race to show solidarity with Clinton, stating, "The President has decided to stop selling himself out for the sake of those assholes, and -- so have I."

Despite the sudden announcements, which would appear to devastate the top of the Democratic ticket and leave no time to find replacements, Democratic Party co-chairman, Christopher Dodd, seemed to have everything well under control. Said Dodd, "We already have new candidates selected who are extremely well-qualified for the job. Pamela Anderson Lee has shown herself to be a capable performer in a wide variety of roles and genres, and I'm certain she will make an outstanding President, and, by the way -- she's a woman. And, of course, her Vice President, Courtney Love, has already shown the American people her strength, by coming back from personal tragedy to have a hit album."

Polls taken following the announcement showed the Lee-Love ticket with 57% of the electorate, Dole with 32% and Perot with 5%. Lee claimed her first act as President would be to drastically reduce the price of collagen. In her second term, she stated she will reorganize the entire health care system to focus exclusively on cosmetic surgery "because -- as most of the American people know by now -- that's really all there is."


Copyright (c) 1996 by C3F