Wednesday, October 22, 1997
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President Impeached for Makin' Shitty Videos

Wash, DC - (Oct 22) - The Senate has apparently impeached the President, today, cause they didn't like the way he edited his latest video, "Molecular Gynecologist," which is now in heavy rotation on MTV, even though MTV doesn't really do videos anymore.

Senator Fred Thompson, told the 3 judge impeachment jury today, that "Like you know where it cuts from the President saying 'Thank you so much -- glad you could come,' to where the President is saying 'Thank you so much -- glad you could come.'? Well, right there, instead of a cut, it shoulda been, this, like, real sloooow dissolve, with like some eerie atonal music or whatever, and then, right in the middle, there should be one of those pixel effects that turns into a checkerboard and, like, right at that point, you know, a James Brown sample, where he screams something like 'Whoooooaaa!' or 'Awriiiiiiight!' -- But the way it is now, your honor, anybody who'd cut a video like that, especially when they've gone to the trouble of getting, ya know, Puff Daddy to produce, is, like, well, ought to, you know, just be fuckin' impeached on his ass, your honor.

Of course, former astronaut [if you know what I mean], Senator John Glenn, interrupted with a point of order to once again re-paraphrase the tired old Democratic line that "the problem is that everything always just turns out to be a metaphor for metaphor itself, and so on, recursively -- so, like, why fucking bother?"

Series Now 2-1

As predicted in this column, literally days ago, the so-called "Series" now stands at 2-1, with one team apparently leading the other by 100%. However, according to CNN and Sports Illustrated, two powerhouse news organizations, if the team that didn't win yesterday, wins today, the so-called "Series" will be so-called "tied" at 2-2, which is just a euphemistic way of saying that they're RIGHT FUCKING BACK WHERE THEY STARTED FROM and so the last 4 games have just been an utter fucking waste of everybody's time.

Reno Drops Charges vs. Microsoft

Attorney-General Janet Reno, today, dropped all charges against Microsoft for rigging its Windows95 operating system so that users hard drives are erased and fried whenever they type in things like "Microsoft makes shit software" or "Windows is an utter fucking piece of shit," or "Microsoft Office is a bloated fucking hairball."

Apparently Reno decided to drop all charges when Bill Gates gave her his own personal in-house copy of Windows95 -- you know, the one that doesn't always crash when the letter "a" is typed, the one that isn't intentionally crippled so you have to keep upgrading, the one that doesn't periodically trash your hard drive, or automatically scan everything you write and send a synopsis to Redmond.

You know, the one that isn't so poorly designed and weighted down with useless cumbersome features that it's an utter fucking nightmare to use.

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