Wednesday, October 23, 1996
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Child Porn Spam Pisses
Off Righteous Cyberfolk

Paducah, KY - (Oct. 23) - Mobs of angry websurfers and email-receivers poured into the streets of large capital cities all over the world, yesterday, to express their outrage over the latest incident of online child porn spam.

Stores and office buildings were looted by the angry mobs and, in many cities, the National Guard had to be called out to contain them.

A spokesman for the Miami Police Department, Guilliermo Goldfarb, was shocked by the audacious behavior of the mob in his city. "They weren't just killing people and destroying property," the officer said, "But some of them were even wearing Halloween costumes depicting infant sex acts! And a week early!"

Apparently the protests were sparked by an email promising free child porn, that was sent to all 39.4 million users of the Internet (the world-wide network of computer networks and pornography servers).

Speaking from the grave, Pornography industry goodwill ambassador, Johnny Wadd, claimed the whole incident had been fabricated "by some internet-related company, trying desperately to create some buzz to help boost its sputtering IPO prospects."

But protesters weren't concerned about the source -- they were pissed at the lack of results. As one angry Chicagoan explained: "Hey, there was nothing on the tube that night, nobody good at CBGB's, and nothing on the All-New Microsoft Network. So when I got this email about free child porn, I immediately dropped my pants and started clicking away at my mouse."

But what this poor gent and over 39.399 million other middle American luge dads and sucker moms found when they clicked on the link, was a cruel violation of their sacred expectation. No pre-pubescent buttfucks. No trainer bondage gear. Not even a golden tinkle or Gerber's Shower.

As Rebecca Kramer of Tonawanda, New York put it, "I thought I'd see the little kiddies fucking and sucking away like crazy -- but, instead, it was all like some terrible joke out of Ms Mad Magazine. It wasn't pornography featuring little children -- It was pornography designed for people with the minds of little children. And frankly, I didn't go to UC Irvine to not know how to know when I'm being fed sub-par porn."

And her sentiments were echoed by millions of others just like her, who want the real thing -- and want it NOW.

Net savant and trend-spotter, Karen Alexander, analyzed the riff-raffs' motivations thusly: "Progress is changing things so fast that people are rapidly running out of sanctimonies they can cling to and get all self-righteous about. Quality child porn is where many of them are making their Custer's Last Stand."

But, overall, Karen was quite sanguine, and advised disgruntled Netizombies to "relax and chill the fuck out -- and take heart in the words of William Blake, who reminds us that there's nothing finer than

to hold the real killer app
in the palm of your hand,
while seeing pornography at
30 fps, in a fucking grain of sand."


Copyright (c) 1996 by C3F