Thursday, October 24, 1996
Please boycott (and/or smash!) our loyal anti-sponsors:

'Tudes Whip Tools 8-6 in 10th

Atlanta, GA - (Oct. 24) - In keeping with the sexual predilections of its owners, the Wired 'Tudes scored an exciting come from behind victory over the CNET Tools to even the Online Cyber Net Web World-Wide Series at 2 games apiece.

The winning runs scored in the top of the 10th, when both teams, totally demoralized and wasted, just stood around getting walks and making errors.

The start of the game had been delayed for 3 hours while players, coaches, umpires and front office management from both sides, stood outside the stadium, begging people to "please come in and watch the exciting game we're going to play with each other and with ourselves."

Once the game finally got underway, however, it had to be played at Quad speed, in order to try to finish before all the fans passed out from the sheer boredom of it all.

Said one spectator: "Well, things looked pretty good right up till the national anthem, cause both teams were running around making wild promises about how 'damn way new' everything was gonna be. But once they started actual play and nothing seemed to work right and everything sucked so badly, well, most of the people around me just whipped out their web-enabled cell phones and surfed over to read the latest TV at MSN or scrawl some manifesto in Bianca's Bung Hole."

Even the players appeared utterly bored, trying desperately to keep up their spirits by screaming, "Child Porn!" or "Fuck the Spammers!" or "Information wants to be stupid!" at each other and at the fans.

The game went scoreless for the first 9 innings, but was finally broken wide open in the top of the 9th. Chipper Suck was called in to pinch hit for Chipper Meeks and, after a few wild but promising swings for the stands, just stood there quietly, bat on shoulder, taking the next 150 pitches in a row, until finally being called out for terminal blandness.

That was pretty much the end of the game, but after a quick developers conference called on the mound, the teams decided to play an extra inning -- just in case.

The game lasted a total of 3 hours, despite the fact that it had to be stopped many times while players and umpires pretended to violently spam each other over fabricated bad calls. Several players were ejected and several umpires died of heart attacks, but who can remember their names? Everything went so fast.

Despite the disastrous and mutually ruinous 10-innings, by the end of the game, the teams had come up with a breathtakingly new business model and, before fans were allowed to leave the stadium, they were required to pay a fee of $20/month, for the rest of their lives.

After the game, the drunken, victorious Wired 'Tude warriors could be heard celebrating their exciting finish in the club house, chanting their power mantra, "I.P.O.! -- I.P.O.!" in perfect unison, at the top of their collective voice.


Copyright (c) 1996 by C3F