Monday, October 26, 1998
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"Being Over" Apparently
OVER Being Over

A few weeks ago, in this column, we reported that being over was apparently, itself, OVER.

A recent poll, however, indicates that over's being over, is, itself, apparently OVER, and that, as of approximately 5:00 AM, Pacific Standard Time this morning, being over has made a surprise comeback and now, rather than being over itself being OVER, being over has suddenly become the ONLY thing that's NOT OVER, so that, by definition, everything OTHER than being over is now totally, absolutely, itself OVER.

Michael Control-Alt-Del, president of Control-Alt-Del Computers, was quick to deny any responsibility for everything being OVER except being over itself.

"Control-Alt-Del Computers are DEFINITELY NOT responsible for everything but 'being over' itself being OVER," said Control-Alt-Del. "In fact, since our computers are constantly RE-BOOTING right before your eyes -- wiping everything out even as you continue stupidly typing away -- we would like to think of our company and our systems and, indeed our lives, as endlessly RE-NEWING -- constantly RE-INVENTING -- an endless constant re-birthing of new flavors of the month every day -- where all pop-stars have been derided to the point of now being utterly untouchable and there's nothing left for criticism but to eat itself or just shut the fuck up and take it."

As empirical proof that everything other than being over itself, is OVER, you need look no further than the hallowed American pastime, the World Series.

In a poll conducted just yesterday by the Rebecca Kramer Organization, when asked if the World Series was totally fucking OVER, 95% of those responding said that, yes, the World Series is just absolutely definitely totally fucking OVER -- while the other 5% claimed that it was "number itself" that was really OVER and called for immediate world calendar reform to be supervised by the Committee for a Drug Addled America operating behind the bogus front of a professional sports team -- of undisclosed sport -- called the Texas Oysters.

California Adds Word To State Nickname

The state of California, in a move that recognizes just how utterly fucking OVER it, itself, is, has added the word "shower" to its previous state nickname "the Golden State," and will now be known as "the Golden Shower State" in honor of its native form of currency, the Golden Shower.

"Without this subtle name change at this time," said "historian" Hollis Mosher III, "History, for reasons I can't go into right now, might just lose it altogether and go wobbling off, unbalanced, into some time warp, and never return."

"This is History's last chance to get something right!" said prosecutor Garth Register Jr., obviously exasperated. "Anything at all right! A shoe size. Hair color. Number of fingers on a hand. Anything!"

Ignorance Rights Group In Anti-Intelligence Agency Protest

Ignorance Rights group activists demonstrated outside the Central Intelligence Agency building in Central Intelligence Agency, Virginia, today, demanding that the so-called "Agency" change its fucking name from Central Intelligence Agency to Central Ignorance Agency, and immediately get to work centralizing ignorance so it's not all scattered around where you can't get to it when you need it.

"Since the CIA acronym will remain the same even after the name change," said a spokesman for the rights group, "no new stationery or logo design or badges will be needed, thereby saving the taxpayers vast amounts of their stinking, filthy blood money, earned destroying the world and everybody's soul."

"Since, as Jimi Hendrix says, 'there ain't no intelligence nowhere,'" said another spokesman, "why spend $30 billion a year centralizing it -- when cold hard ignorance is something people need to use every single day of their lives, in crucial situations, just to get by.

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