Monday, October 27, 1997
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Market Dines On Fresh Turd

NY,NY - (Oct 27) - The so-called "stock" market royally crashed its capitalist shitbag ass off, today, either because the so-called "World Series" just ended, or because testimony in today's Massachusetts Nanny murder trial indicated that baby Matthew, the allegedly murdered baby, apparently hadn't "pooped" all day on Monday, February 4th, despite being normally "actually quite regular."

According to Tommy Lasorda or Joe DiMaggio, the so-called "World Series" apparently ended because all the players and coaches and umpires and fans and managers and concessionaires were all, too like, "why fucking bother?"

According to Babe Ruth or Mickey Mantle, the 2 teams played a hand of poker to decide who the winner would be, and ran a computer simulation of a baseball game on Sunday to mollify the few fans who still had a stake in pretending to give a fuck.

Though the poker game was not televised, a reporter from Sports Incarcerated was allowed to witness it, and, according to her story, the Florida Marlons managed to fill an inside straight to beat the Cleveland Indians' 3 Jacks, and win the solid gold World Series Trophy, whose value was dropping to zero, even as it was being handed over to the winners in a private ceremony held at a popular nuclear waste dump site in southwestern Nevada.

The Florida Marlons are a new experimental baseball team made up exclusively of vastly overweight has-been method actors who will now, because of this victory, apparently have to stop whining about how they "coulda been a contender."

Meanwhile, agonizingly elaborate euphemisms for "WHAT THE FUCK!!???" filled the TV business channel airwaves, as various capitalist shitbag economic pundits attempted to soothe rapidly evaporating nerve fiber everywhere.

"This is just a long anticipated market correction," said capitalist slimeball Larry Kudchew, "What's happening is that the average poor slob investor is being corrected about their sadly mistaken notion that they'll be eating again, anytime in the near future."

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