The Washington Pissed
Wednesday, Oct 27, 1999

  Tommy Lee's Cock To Seek Reform Party Nomination

Tommy Lee's cock, the number one search term on the internet and also the so-called "cock" of Pamela Anderson butt-boy "Rocker" Tom Lee, has announced its intention to seek the Reform Party presidential nomination for the Year 2000 "on account of so far everybody else runnin' is just a buncha dickheads anyway."

"So far," said Tommy Lee's cock, speaking in a special American Sign Language for Cocks developed exclusively for his own cock by "Rocker" Tommy Lee himself while touring with his famous rock group, "Rocker" Tommy Lee's Famous Rock Group, "all reform party nominees past present and future, not to mention all reform party 'members,' if you know what I mean, have been justa buncha dickheads -- whereas I, 'Rocker' Tommy Lee's cock, am, totally, my own person."

More politically savvy than its years would suggest, "Rocker" Tommy Lee's cock was quick to acknowledge its political shortcomings, if you know what I mean.

"I realize that my appeal," said the cock, "is mostly to the incredibly stupid and the young, and so, to help me reach out to the incredibly stupid and the old, I will balance the ticket by selecting as my running mate, the honorable Senator Strom Thurmond's cock, of Louisiana."

96-year-old Senator Strom Thurmond's cock was, however, unavailable for comment. If you know what I mean.

Tommy Lee's cock also claimed it would not challenge real estate mongol Donald Schmuck to debate, "on account of since the guy already looks, talks, and acts so much just like one big dumb schlong, anyway, nobody will be able to tell the two of us apart, and all the stupid dumbass things he says will be attributed to me. -- And then where will civilization be?"

Pat Buchanan's cock was also unavailable for comment on account of having just been run over several times by a convoy of 200 18-wheeler tractor-trailer rigs bound for Fort Ord.

"Rocker" Tommy Lee's cock said it would run on a platform of, "you know, all those great old penis jokes from our nation's history and from the great world historical literature of things that have routinely been said about big hard throbbing cocks down through the ages, in story, song, and ideological underpinning."

"'Rocker' Tommy Lee's cock is in a good position to run for president on account of being the number one search term on the Internet," said "Rocker" Tommy Lee butt-girl, Pamela Anderson-"Rocker" Tommy Lee. "Average American voters are just so fucking out of it, they don't know the difference between voting and web-surfing -- so when confronted with a choice, they'll just do what they always do: click on 'Rocker' Tommy Lee's cock."

"Rocker" Tommy Lee's cock earlier told reporters that, if elected, it would try to model its own presidency on that of its all-time favorite American President, President Johnson.

Marilyn Monroe's Cock Auctioned Off
Marilyn Monroe's cock was auctioned off by Southeby's or eBay or Hustler, or whoever, yesterday. This was apparently a very special cock as it was the one she wore when she sang her famous hit tune "Happy Birthday Mr. Presidency" to Pat Buchanan.

Marilyn Manson's Marketing Plan Auctioned Off Marilyn Manson's original marketing plan, you know, the one scrawled on a napkin over coffee when he was still Charles Monroe or whoever, will be auctioned off today by Southeby's or Somebody's or whoever. This is apparently a very special marketing plan as, apparently, it is the only one in the history of marketing plans that has ever actually WORKED.


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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC
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