Tuesday, October 29, 1996
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Jewell Inks Major Multi-Mega Deal

NY, NY - (Oct. 29) - Richard Jewell, former law officer, security guard and prime suspect in the '96 Olympics bombing case, has just signed a first-of-its kind multi-genre, multi-industry, multi-company mega-deal engineered by mega-agent Mike Ovitz.

The deal includes contracts for Jewell to produce 6 motion pictures, 8-books, 10-albums, 12-CD ROMs, 4-DVDs, and other assorted branded merchandise, for a mixture of companies including Turner-Warner, AT&T, Archer Daniels Midland, MSNBC, ABCBS, SunBCBS, and Grupo Norepinephrine.

Jewell, who, in the course of doing security work has often used computers for logging hours, will also edit his own branded online zine for Turner-Warner, which he claims "will blow the damn dingleballs off Slate and Salon."

Of the 6 motion picture projects, Jewell will script 3 based on his own story: "Suspect," for Newline, which will star Cher, "The Accused," for FineLine, to star Jody Foster, and, for Turner Biopix, "Fawk the FBI," starring Rosie Perez.

In the winter of '96, HarperCollinsMidland will release Jewell's first novel, "Cleared!" In early '97, HardWiredMidland will release his novella-cum-style manual, "Redeemed!" And, in spring '97, Little Brown will release his extended memoir, "The FBI is a Big Fat M*therf*cking, C*cks*cking, P*ece of Sh*t."

In addition, Jewell will tour and do a double live CD with his post-Pavement doo-wop group, Richard Jewell and the Settings. And, in between tour dates, he'll be going into the studio with his post-hardcore punk group, Richard Jewell and the Cutters. And the just-released single, "Hey Blow Me, Mr. F.B.I.," by his post-Bread pop group Richard Jewell and Theft, has already cracked the Billboard Top 10, with a bullet.

Jewell will also star in his own sitcom, "Zen and the Art of Security," for Fox, and host his own morning talk show, The Richard Jewell Show.

In a press conference held early this morning, Jewell admitted having a 1968 affair with a then-married Bob Dole, and a 1971 affair with a then separated but not divorced from his first wife, Bob Dole.

Carrot Top, who will direct a Miramax remake of Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment, has tapped Jewell to adapt the screenplay for the new version, tentatively titled, "No Crime, But Punishment Anyway."

When asked how he was able to land so many deals for someone with no proven talent in any arena, other than possibly "law enforcement," super-agent Mike Ovitz said, "Hey everything else always already sucks and nobody can tell the fucking difference anyway, so you might as well go with name recognition, and who's got better name recognition right now than Richard Jewell."

A spokesman for Turner-Warner, which will bankroll 6 of the projects by fellow-Atlantan Jewell, said, "See, there's a real celeb crisis right now. The last few people we tried to foist on the public have already been chewed up, digested, and, uhh, evacuated, or spit back out. Right now, Jewell's the only fresh face on the scene with enough name recognition to crack major markets. So it's just good sense to go with him on everything -- regardless of the exact nature of the project. At the very least, it's gonna take the public a little longer than usual to digest Mr. Jewell and spit him out, and by then we'll have enough product in the pipeline so it'll be too late to turn back."

Ovitz also announced that Jewell will be partnering with Motorola to produce the RJ brand NC in early '97, and that he's already hard at work on the code for the NC's proprietary "Diamond" operating system, and its "Amethyst" programming language.

And, despite the collapse of negotiations which would've had Jewell and former running back, OJ Simpson, record an album of traditional Christmas songs together, Jewell is still extending an invitation to Simpson (as well as to beat author, William S. Burroughs) to join his, "Yeah, I did it! But I got the fuck away with it anyway!" Club.


Copyright (c) 1996 by C3F