New Chip-on-a-Chip Will Eliminate ALL Chips; Universe Too
SF, CA - (Oct 29) - Intel Corp (Nasdaq:INTC), the world's largest manufacturer of stuff shipped in boxes with Intel's return address on the outside, said Thursday that they were developing a new product which would place an entire chip on a totally other chip.

The new "chip-on-a-chip" product, codenamed Timna, will apparently replace 2 currently popular Intel products: fish-and-chips-on-a-chip and Chips-Ahoy-on-a-chip. Development will also be discontinued on the still-experimental Doritos-on-a-chip.

"Now that we have reduced the size of a chip so that it will fit on another chip," said Intel CEO Joe Intel, "we will, by definition, be able to take this chip-on-a-chip and put it on yet another chip, and then put that chip-on-a-chip-on-a-chip on yet another chip, and so on recursively till there is only one chip needed for the entire universe, and everybody else need not apply."

Intel stated that this single whole-fucking-universe on-a-chip, will then just be thrown away when the time is right, emitting, at its last possible moment, the pre-arranged neutrino code for "Nuff said," and then out.

Stocks Open Higher
Stocks opened higher today on news that they were, you know, supposed to.

WWF Buys MLB
The World Wrestling Federation has purchased major league baseball for an undisclosed amount of threats and a couplea bloody horseheads left in certain CEO's beds.

According to WWF owner Vince McMahon, Major League Baseball, which has essentially lost all appeal to fans, will now be made over into, you know, like, so-called "Sports Entertainment," if you know what I mean, with only 5 innings per game, 2 outs per inning, 2 strikes and you're out, and 1 ball and you walk.

"Fewer innings with less actual play," McMahon told the sports press, "will allow more time for character and story development. Players will be encouraged to fuck each others' wives off the field and to break bats and water coolers over each others' heads, on the field. The pitcher and batter will be miked so the pitcher can run through lengthy streams of trash talk that echoes through the stadium, before each pitch, and the batter can be trash talking right back over the loudspeaker as the pitch comes in."

According to McMahon, all umpire signals and 3rd base coaching signs will be variations of the popular "finger," so beloved by unruly mobs everywhere.

"Accidental deaths on the field, however," McMahon assured reporters, "will be totally, you know, accidental!!"