Friday, October 30, 1998
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Perfect World Now Possible!!!

Cambridge, MA - (Oct 30) - A team of electrical engineers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology in Cambridge, Massachusetts, announced a major discovery, today, which they claim could lead, within a few years, to a totally perfect world -- for everybody!!

According to Dr. Rebecca Kramer, of Brigham and Yahoo! Hospital in Boston, the MIT team has discovered a gene on chromosome 9 or 10 or somewhere, which actually codes for, like, this 360 degree wireless camcorder made out of gaseous parallel processors running a version of Windows CE from the distant future.

"But," said Kramer, "in the normal human, this gene is NEVER TURNED ON and there's nothing anywhere in the genome capable of turning it on. So these camcorders have never actually appeared in any human population, except maybe for the occasional extreme mutant somewhere immediately shot on sight."

Kramer predicted MIT electrical engineers would "definitely find some molecular gene-thingy kinda way to turn on the camcorder gene within the next six months, so that, soon, everyone will be effortlessly engulfed in their own personal camcorder, shooting everything they do from all angles and broadcasting it all everywhere in real time via satellite."

Political theorist and MIT president and director of research, Garth Register Jr., agrees with Kramer that this unlocking of the human camcorder gene will lead, almost instantly, to the so-called "perfect world."

"First," said Register, "the unlocking of the human camcorder gene will mean that, like, for entertainment, all anybody will ever have to do is just turn on their satellite receiver and just watch EVERYBODY ELSE -- thus TOTALLY eliminating the slimy world corporate media oligopoly and its slimy world-celebrity butt boys and butt girls."

"And also," interjected Kramer on the video conference screen at the back of the room, "once the camcorder gene is unlocked, there'll be absolutely zero unemployment since everybody will immediately be hired by the CIA to just sit around and watch their neighbors on TV, like they're already doing."

Glenn Finally Wins Presidency

In an impromptu democratic election held at gun point in earth orbit aboard the so-called "Discovery," the 7 astronaut crew members voted unanimously to elect John Glenn president-for-life of the space shuttle.

President Glenn then declared the earth to be "yesterday's news," and announced the shuttle would not be returning to "that hole," and would, instead, be heading out into the so-called "vast reaches of space" to explore the so-called "unknown."

"Fortunately," said Glenn, "before boarding, I stashed enough Twinkies and Doritos in my space suit to feed the entire crew and myself, until we can start growing our own food in the dirt I fortunately stashed in my space boots before boarding."

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