Thursday, October 31, 1996
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OJ Narrows Search for Nicole's Killer
to 3; Will 'Let the People Decide'

Brentwood, USA - (Oct. 31) - In an impromptu press conference held near the air conditioner out behind Kato Kaelin's room on his Brentwood Estate, former running back, OJ Simpson, today, told a group of neighbors, sight-seers, and random passers-by that he's just made a major breakthrough in finding the killer(s) of his ex-bitch, party-girl S&M-freak, Nicole Brown.

"Using a Sun Network Computer running Java versions of the Alta Vista, Excite, and Lycos search engines," the former actor said, "I've had my VRML intelligent agents constantly scanning the infosphere for the answer to the query, 'who killed my ex-ho' Nicole?' And just last night, around 10:30, while I was out chipping golf balls on my front lawn, as I always do around that time every night, a bell rang on the NC up in my study, indicating the agents were done."

According to OJ, the bots all agreed that Nicole was killed by 2 people, not 1, and that both were white males who'd come to put a Peruvian Necktie (i.e. an old Volvo tire soaked in gasoline, lit on fire, and placed around the neck of someone who hasn't paid their drug bill) on author, poet, and collagen-graduate, Faye Resnick.

"But each bot," said the former shill-for-whitey, "Has come up with different killers. And so I think it should be left to the American people to decide who actually did it. That way, there won't be any possibility of error and everyone will agree with the final conclusion."

Simpson then went on to name the 3 pairs of suspects. They are: William J. Clinton, age 50, aided and abetted by Albert Gore age 49; Robert Dole, age 73, with the knowing assistance of Jack Kemp, age 61; and Ross Perot, age 65, with henchman Patrick Choate, age 58.

The former football star called for Americans everywhere to "take a few minutes off from work or from leisure, to consider who the actual killer is. Then, write the name on a piece of paper and take it to a nearby church or school."

According to sources, Simpson's people have set up a nationwide network of collection points which will be in operation from 7 AM till 7 PM on November 5th, where people can drop off their votes to be verified and tallied. Simpson has also bought time on all major networks, and purchased the services of all major network anchors, to keep the American people abreast of the results, as they develop, throughout the night.

"So on the morning of November 6th," said Simpson, "We'll all know for certain, who killed Nicole. Personally, myself, I think it was that Perot guy -- mainly cause his sidekick, Choate, just looks like a cold-blooded killer-drug dealer. But I'm willing to leave it up to the people. They've never been wrong before."


Copyright (c) 1996 by C3F