Monday, November 2, 1998
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Atrocities In Tent Cities

Cambridge, MA - (Nov 2) - According to something or somebody, today, somebody or something did something to somebody else causing somebody else to do something to something or to somebody else who, in turn, did something else, or nothing, or just exploded all over the surface of the earth like an ad campaign.

"It was the old group-mind finally sick of drama," said an eye-witness, "and pushed past the extremes of even abuse till it finally, uneasily, reconfigured -- the way a bus and a telephone booth would do, once both had somehow wound up in mid-air at the same precise space coordinates and the same exact coordinate in time."

Sources in the underground economy indicate that the phone booth, made by Monsanto and powered by microprocessor-controlled bursting water mains underneath the city, was piloted by former drug czar Kirk Vomit Jr. who, upon finally landing, got out and asked without a trace of either irony or whatever the opposite of irony is, "What's this country or colony coming to?"

"Apparently," answered a reporter from CNN who was on hand to cover Vomit's landing, "this country or colony is coming to:

1) realize that it apparently

    a) is existing merely to protest that anything else would even bother to exist at all,

    b) is living proof that the 3 major dimensions of personality measured by psychologists should be aggression, customer-worthiness, and ability to overlook having accidentally misplaced desire,

    c) better start telling disgruntled shoppers, "Hey, if you don't like Gateway's prices, go to Dell,"

2) the conclusion that it better start
    a) planning to lobby the corporate Neuropoly to please free up the global disaster chemicals again,

    b) hiring people to hack into the contraceptive of wire-voting,

    c) building a peer press out of mud in the middle of the night,

    d) not being available without the express written consent of the commissioner of baseball and her extended family of drunkenness and depravity,

3) a fork in the road where, down one path is a living parody of the fact that even the Pope or Ted Turner could be seriously injured in a TV-watching accident,

4) the end of a 2 year stint editing the first film starring simulated characters who were themselves the digital blends of 2 or more has-been but still living stars of the near past, but what have they done for you lately?"

Unfortunately, as neat as this all sounds, Kirk Vomit Jr. was only 3 years old at the time the event transpired. So, though he was correctly convicted of slandering existence itself, he was incorrectly not let go by reason of prescience.

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