Monday, November 4, 1996
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Clinton Thinks Race Too Easy; Bites
Head Off Socks to Test Electorate

Washington, AC/DC - (Nov. 4) - Saying he was not only depressed, but also "downright embarrassed" by the easy victory he's about to win on Tuesday, President Bill Clinton announced, this morning, that it was "time to shake up the electorate."

"The American people have grown fat and complacent," the President said, at a press conference on the White House lawn, "And, you know, it may surprise you to hear that I think I have too."

"Like, there's no real issues being discussed anymore," the President continued, "And now the people are ready to blindly say 'yes' to 4 more years of my presidency, tomorrow, without really knowing anything at all about me."

At that point, the President reached down behind the podium, brought out his cat, Socks, and after gently stroking it a few times, viciously bit off its head and gnawed on it for several minutes, before spitting it back out at the lens of the nearest CNN camera.

"Let's see what the American people do with that" the President taunted, still looking seamlessly presidential, despite the blood streaming down his chin and the clumps of cat fur stuck in his teeth.

The assembled White House correspondents, apparently unmoved by the incident, had no follow-up questions, and after jotting down a few notes, quickly shuffled off to file their stories, as the President quietly walked back to the White House, to go do more crystal meth with Warren Christopher and Ruth Bader Ginsburg in the Oval Office.

Following the press conference, Republican challenger, Bob Dole, immediately announced that he'd bite the head off his dog, Leader, as part of the finale of his 96-hour, non-stop campaign swing. "I'm sure I'll be ready for a little mindless brutality around that time, anyway," the Senator quipped.

Meanwhile, Ross Perot announced he'd bite the head off the horse he rode when he delivered newspapers as a kid, while Libertarian Party candidate, Harry Browne, announced he'd completely chew up and swallow his pocket calculator, and Natural Law Party candidate, what's his name, promised he'd eat his mantra.

Newt Gingrich expressed his utter disgust at the whole incident, claiming he'd bite the head off a human, sometime next week, to even the score.

Polls taken several hours after the President's press conference, remained essentially unchanged, showing:

Clinton.. 52%
Dole...... 37%
Perot...... 9%

According to the same poll, Ozzy Osborne fans, who'd been leaning heavily towards Dole, now favor Clinton by an almost 8 to 1 margin.

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