Tuesday, November 5, 1996
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Pissed-Off Electorate Sits This One Out

NY, NY - (Nov. 5) - A pissed off electorate declined to go to the polls, today, to vote for their next President. According to election analysts, many voters stayed home simply because they were grossed out by all the heads being bitten off live animals by both major party candidates and by a few of the 3rd party candidates, as well.

But among conservative voters, there appeared to be an added reason. According to Rebecca Kramer of East Moline, Illinois, "When I learned, late last night, that Ralph Reed is really the brother and the son of weirdo-druggie singer, Lou Reed, and that his mother and his grandmother, is really 50's family-porn TV-star, Donna Reed, I figured, 'What's the point of goin' on living, let alone voting?'"

Not surprisingly, many liberal voters failed to go the polls for entirely different reasons, best summed up by Bill de Leeuw of Orinda, CA. "When I learned, late last night, that all those stories about Clinton fucking all those women -- are nothing but lies," said de Leeuw, "And that he's really 100% faithful to his wife -- well, I said to myself, 'Why bother going on living, let alone voting?'"

Apparently, the few people who have voted today, all belong to the obscure Nihilist-Workers' Party, whose candidate, former White House Senior Aide, George Stephanopoulos, is running on a platform of legalizing dope-smoking in the White House.

In addition to the near-zero voter turnout, it appears that people in all walks of life, all over the country, have all, independently, chosen to not show up for work, today, as well.

And reports from Yahoo! and Netscape indicate that internet traffic is also near zero -- despite earlier expectations of wide-spread net brownouts from millions of people rushing to thousands of election websites to get the latest results.

Utility companies are also reporting near-zero electric consumption, while the Coca Cola Foundation reports that, for the past 5 hours, no one in the US has bought or consumed a bottle or can of either Coke or Pepsi.

According to Joe Smith, a spokesman for the people, "The people are spending today alternating between quiet contemplation and between noisily puking up the fucking culture you've rammed down their throats, using every psychologically, sociologically, and neuro-chemically exploitative dirty trick you could think of."


Copyright (c) 1996 by C3F