Wednesday, November 5, 1997
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Microsoft Buys Microsoft!!

Microsoft Corp of Redmond, Washington, announced, today, it would buy Microsoft Corp of Redmond, Washington. Said Microsoft President, Walt Microsoft, "We bought Microsoft because Microsoft is the only company around that's good enough for us. All other companies are shit."

Microsoft did admit, afterwards, however, that IBM was almost good enough for them to buy, and they might have, if IBM hadn't decided to buy IBM first.

Wired Will Buy Wired!!

Wired Magazine, the inventor of Marshall McLuhan and the future itself, announced, today, that it will purchase Wired Magazine, for several billion dollars and several billion shares worth of pre-maturely printed Wired stock certificates leftover from several billion failed IPO attempts.

"Wired is the perfect addition to Wired's stable of perfect additions," said Wired CEO Marcia McLuhan, "And should help maintain our hegemony over thought itself, for at least the next few centuries."

McLuhan did admit afterwards, however, that though she was pretty sure Wired would maintain its hegemony over thought itself forever, the Wired futurist pool had only accurately figured things out through the mid 23rd century, and she didn't want to get too far ahead of fact.

Disney Sells Disney to Disney

Disney of California announced today that it will apparently be selling off its entire Disney division to Disney of California. Said Disney president, Bill Disney, "This is a very logical, win-win kinda move. Simply stated, Disney can just do a better job with Disney than Disney can -- or my name isn't, you know, Disney."

Spice Girls Hire More Spice Girls

The pop singing group, the Spice Girls, in an effort to beef (as it were) up their onstage and offstage presence as well as their, you know, sound, have hired some additional, uhhh, girls. The girls, who had their own group and were formerly known as the Spice Girls, will join the Spice Girls this weekend in Las Vegas. Said Spice Girl, Spice, "Our new group will be called the Spice Girls and our new single and CD will be called, 'Hey Hey We're the Spice Girls.' So, how about a blow job?"

Stallone and Cher will star in "Stallone and Cher"

Actor-artist, Sylvester Stallone, will star with actress-singer, Cher, in a film to be titled "Stallone and Cher." According to writers-directors Stallone and Cher, "'Stallone and Cher' will be all about us, Stallone and Cher."

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