Fight Stupid Consumerism!! Buy my fucking book!! The Washington 
Friday, Nov 5, 1999

Angry Nations Repent Self-Centeredness, Burn Own Flags
In a show of solidarity against themselves, the nations of the world today, joined hands in all burning their own damn national flags on their own respective national TVs, in front of their own damn national populations.

And, in a further display of national ironic self-deprecation well beyond even simple solidarity, each nation changed its national anthem from whatever pseudo-patriotic load of crap it used to be, to the new international national anthem template, "Hey, Hey, We're the 'X'", where X is whatever the nation calls its people -- like "Hey, Hey We're the Albanians" or "Hey, Hey, We're the Argentinians," and sung, of course, to the tune of the original Monkees ironic self-deprecating show of solidarity against themselves, "Hey Hey we're the Cockroaches."

Also, out of deference to American hegemony, the nations of the world will incorporate whichever of America's vilest racial and ethnic slurs apply to them, into their common everyday expressions of greeting, congratulations and heartfelt sympathy.

Bush Calls For World Leaders to Stop Having Those Long Weird Goofy Sounding Names
In a major foreign policy address, Republican Presidential candidate Texas Governor George W. Bush, told an audience of dignitaries and their sycophants that the world would be a lot more peaceful and wealthier and far far better off if all its damn old world leaders would just stop having those long, complex, self-indulgent, weirdo foreign type names that nobody can pronounce.

"I think we'd all be a lot better off, all over the world, if these world leaders who insist on having names like Jalabawavar and Qtxlyotl -- that nobody can remember, let alone pronounce, would just back the fuck off from their damn foreigner self-indulgent bullshit and have nice simple, easy-to-remember household kinda names like George W. Bush or Jeb Bush or Neil Bush or Barbara Bush, to name just a few of the many possibilities for non-weirdo sounding names."

Dishonesty Rate Ironically Up Cause Everybody Suddenly Stopped Lying Out Their Ass About How It Was Down
The rate of world dishonesty rose 4.8% this month, apparently ironically because the people who go around and gather data about how much people are lying out their asses, themselves suddenly stopped lying out their own asses about how the number of people routinely lying out their asses was down. They apparently blew the so-called "whistle" on themselves for reasons which are currently under study at MIT, Carnegie Mellon, and MTV.

Some picture of something that somehow seems to go with the text 
below, though sometimes the connection is so counter-cosmic that only Barry 
Diller gets it
For nations who couldn't afford their own nationwide TV hook ups, library footage of generic closeups of burning flags that looked like Christ in the upper right, were beamed via satellite from a central studio in Kansas City.

Nothing ever changes except the lies about what the truth is, study finds

Nothing ever changes except the lies about how nothing doesn't exist, report reveals

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