Wednesday, November 6, 1996
Please boycott (and/or smash!) our loyal anti-sponsors:

Harry Browne Wins Amazing
Presidential Landslide Upset!!

NY, NY - (Nov. 6) - Libertarian Party candidate, Harry Browne, won the most unexpected upset landslide victory in the history of American Presidential politics, yesterday, receiving over 75% of the popular vote, and carrying all 50 states by wide margins.

With just a few precincts still uncounted, the final results are:

Browne .... 78%
Clinton ..... 10%
Dole .......... 9%
Perot.......... 2%

According to more than one analyst, however, the victory is somewhat tainted by the fact that only 100 people in the whole country even bothered to vote.

"And another problem," said one of the pundits, "Is the intelligent robot that counted the votes was apparently written by a cyber-libertarian programmer, and automatically moved all the write-in votes for George Stephanopoulos' Nihilist-Workers' Party into the Browne column."

Nonetheless, Browne was jubilant (though not frivolous) in his acceptance speech, late last night. In a no-nonsense and disciplined-but-human manner, he quickly thanked the voters and his staff, and then immediately began to name his cabinet and sell copies of his book.

His appointments include:

Secretary of State ........... Tom Browne
Secretary of Defense ....... Joe Browne
Secretary of Commerce ... Steve Brown
Secretary of Labor .......... Jim Browne
Secretary of HEW ........... James Brown
Secretary of Education ..... Jim Guy Browne

President-Elect Browne also ordered the 9 members of the Supreme Court to resign immediately, so he could replace them with his son, Joe, his brother, Bill, his sister, Martha, his cousin, Jeffrey, his uncle, Martin, and 4 other members of his family to be named at a later date.

At the end of his speech, Browne told the nationwide TV audience, "This is the last time I will be speaking to you, publicly. I have done my share as your President, and from here on, the rest is up to you. And I can think of no better way for all 260 million of you to get started, than to rush right out and buy my best-selling investment guide, How Anybody Can do 'Whatever'.

"After that," the new President beamed, "You're on your own."


Copyright (c) 1996 by C3F