Thursday, November 7, 1996
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Judge Lets Time-Wanna' Be

NY, NY - (Nov. 7) - Time-Wanna', the parent company of all media companies not already owned by Rupert Murdoch, won an important victory in New York Federal Court Wednesday, in a case that will help decide who the biggest fucking asshole in the world is.

US District Court Judge Denise Coat, ruled that New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani was nowhere near being as big an asshole as either Ted Turner, the President of Time-Wanna', or Rupert Murdoch, the President of Fox-Wanna'.

"Though both Turner and Murdoch wanna' be the undisputed biggest asshole in the world," opined the judge, "Both men are smart enough to hide their aspirations behind bogus corporate fronts, which do much of their unsightly public slobbering for them. While, unfortunately, Mr. Giuliani can only hide behind the antics of his son Andrew, and therefore, must do most of his own public slobbering."

In her 106-page opinion, the judge also ruled that Giuliani had lost all claim to the title when he "stopped being his own best asshole, in order to become Rupert Murdoch's own best whore -- thus violating Time-Wanna's 10th Commandment rights to not have their neighbor covet their house nor their wife nor their manservant nor their maidservant nor their ox nor how much of an asshole they are."

In the end, the judge proposed 2 methods of settling the dispute.

"First," the judge wrote, "Time-Wanna has the right to submit Ted Turner's DNA to an impartial testing service, where molecular biological techniques can accurately predict the lifetime effects of the gene for how big an asshole you are. Fox-Wanna' may then submit Mr. Murdoch's DNA, for simple, objective, numeric comparison.

"Alternatively," the judge stated, "Mr. Turner and Mr. Murdoch can simply be placed in a locked, padded room with a week's supply of alcohol, amphetamines, and automatic weapons, and whoever comes out at the end of the week gets to own the entire future of the kingdom and the power and the glory of human consciousness on earth. For ever and ever. Amen."


Copyright (c) 1996 by C3F