Friday, November 7, 1997
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Stock Market Goes To Zero

The stock market totally crashed its worthless capitalist shitbag ass off, again, today, apparently cause it JUST FUCKING FELT LIKE IT.

Murdner, Turdner Merge To Form Turdner-Murdner

Rupurt Murdner and Ted Turdner today, joined forces to create a new company called Turdner-Murdner Inc., which will purchase 6% of everything.

Murdner and Turdner denied trying to take over the world and admitted, "We're just covering our rosy red asses in the HIGHLY UNLIKELY event that ANYTHING ever fucking HAPPENS, EVER AGAIN! Anything at all!"

Researchers Make Discovery

Researchers at Fuck Nature Laboratories, a subsidiary of The Fuck the Universe Corporation, a spinoff of Fuck-the-Corporation University, announced today that, apparently, they have proven conclusively, by means of endless longitudinal double-blind experiments up the wazoo, that the Universe has "no right to exist!"

Said Dr. Rebecca Kramer, Director of Fuck Nature, and COO of FTU and Dean of FTCU, "Why should there be this discontinuity in nothingness? The answer is: there SHOULDN'T BE! And, therefore, THERE ISN'T! Case closed!

Iraq More Boring than Wired?

Iraq, a country, did or said something, and the UN, a so-called "world organization," did or said something back. According to Iraq, it only did something in an attempt to be less boring than Wired. Apparently, Iraq thinks there is actually something more boring than Wired and that they are it.

PC Prices Plunge Again

Apparently, due to something, PC prices have drastically plunged to the point where PCs are now selling for exactly what they're worth. ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING!!

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