Fight Stupid Consumerism!! Buy my fucking book!! The Washington 
Monday, Nov 8, 1999

Microsoft Is Apparently a Company, or Something
New York - (Nov. 8) - Shares of Microsoft Corp (Nasdaq:LSMFT), today, blah blah blah.

As a result, blah blah blah and everybody dies.

Microsoft is apparently a company, or something.

A feral judge had apparently said something about Microsoft and Microsoft had said something too.

"This is a story about not being a story," said the judge. "Once upon a time, there was no story. End of story."

Apparently the judge got mad when Bill Gates, the President of Microsoft, said that, "no, there are really 3 stories: Murder, Louie Louie, and Little House On the Prairie."

"Also," said Gates, even though nobody asked, "the hard part of creating a really great product is getting rid of everything that makes it easy."

Fortunately, the judge really didn't wanna be there. Really, he just wanted to go off and invent the eBay vending machine -- where you have to bid on every fucking candy bar or twinkie.

Microsoft apparently has a big office building somewhere that probably says "Microsoft" on the outside. There is probably also a parking lot and a place for employees to go to the bathroom.

Internet service provider America Online also probably has a big office building, but it probably says "America Online" on the outside. It also probably has a parking lot but its employees are probably told to go use the Microsoft building when they have to go to the bathroom.

Despite this, European markets also tanked on the news of Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson's ruling that "even though the Microsoft building does have a bathroom, apparently Bill Gates and Steve Ballmer are totally monopolizing it."

Heart Grows Own Kidney
Researchers have apparently developed a new heart that is capable of growing a kidney.

"Now that the kidney can be in the heart," said Dr. Garth Register Jr. of the Slater-Kinney Memorial Institute in Minneapolis, "we can free up some space in the body cavity for additional hard drives and a cable modem or set-top box."

Some picture of something that somehow seems to go with the text 
below, though sometimes the connection is so counter-cosmic that only Barry 
Diller gets it
Original heart-kidneys, what with being experimental and all, couldn't really be used in non-experimental bodies, so were disguised as lobsters instead and served up in local restaurants unbeknownst to customers. (See story below)

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