Monday, November 9, 1998
Please boycott (and/or smash!) our loyal anti-sponsors:

Notre Damn de Mister Lesbo

Atlanta, GA - (Nov 9) - Following a lengthy stream of stock neo-centrist vituperation beyond all gender, Archbishop E.Y. Register III, announced, today, just exactly what it is that his archdiocese is all the fuck about.

"My archdiocese," he announced, waxing suddenly starry-eyed and poetic, "is all the fuck about, like,

holding the world
in the palm of your hand,
and seeing 30fps MPEG-3 pornography
in a grain of sand.

As he spoke, several players at the back of the room were ejected for, you know, "behavior," and several umpires died of heart attacks, but who can remember their names? Everything went so fast.

Archbishop Register, who is famous for inventing the first travel agency franchise to specialize in guilt trips, then finished his speech by telling his audience to please "be more selfish than is humanly possible, and help your neighbor be more selfish too -- so that we all might achieve a much more non-sanctimonious bliss."

According to sources, this was a totally appropriate thing for him to say since he is apparently the man chiefly responsible for putting the "blis" in antidisestablishmentarianism.

His is also currently owner and inventor of the "Don't Blame Me, I Voted For George 'the Animal' Steele" bumper sticker factory in St. Paul Minnesota, and is sometimes accused of just phoning in this week's flavor-of-the-month, everyday, for big bucks or big bugs. -- Of course, his stock response to this is always the one about how calling bullshit bullshit is such a fucking cliche, that spouting it is the only cool alternative.

He is also the first person to report actually hearing his brain shut off.

His day job is to pretend to take things seriously in public places, and to take them seriously in so cold and charismatic a fashion, that everyone else can't help but take them seriously too. Of course, when that happens, the world ends -- unless, of course, someone has first opened a chain of "Does Life Always Have to Eat Life?" Tee-Shirt/Bumper Sticker Factories, on the outskirts of town, in the middle of the night, in the rain.

[ PREVIOUS  |   ARCHIVES   |   C3F ]

Copyright (c) 1998 by HC