Monday, November 10, 1997
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Hey, It's Fucking RAINING in Southern California

Hey, it, apparently, fucking RAINED!!! in southern California, today. When asked for comment, Dr. Rebecca Kramer, head of the Department of Meteorology at Cal Tech, said, "What the Fuck???!!"

Rain, according to Dr. Kramer, is this wet stuff that drops out of the sky, caused by groups of heavenly angels crying over failed hi-tech IPOs.

Once she'd calmed down, however, Kramer admitted that today's rain was more likely caused by the extreme weather condition known as "El Lamo."

Internet Users Double

The number of users of the so-called internet, doubled, in the past year, according to some company with a name that at least sounds like the name of a company you're sure you've heard somewhere before.

According to the company, the new number was arrived at by taking the old number, multiplying by 2, and then proving mathematically and by means of Edgar Allan Poe, that this year's number was, in fact, the exact double of last year's.

Hollywood Briefs

The Nobel Prize for figuring out the problem with Drew Barrymore was awarded to Hollis Mosier III, today, at ceremonies in Stockholm, Sweden.

Mr. Mosier was award the $10 million dollar prize for figuring out that the problem with Drew Barrymore is she's, like, seen too many Drew Barrymore movies.

capsule review: Boogie Nights

Shot mostly at night, this film shows Birt Reynolds boogieying all night and finally inventing Reynolds Wrap, which gets picked up by Mark Wahlenberg and turned into a new form of music that gets played in porn movies.

capsule review: Starship Troopers

A buncha Troopers get on a big old Starship. But somebody forgot to load the drugs, and everybody starts hallucinating rock videos. As with the Southern California rain, the quality of the videos is being blamed on "El Lamo."

capsule review: Bean

An alien data-mining team from outer space tries to set up a customer-centric marketing scam on the internet by using specialized data mining applications. But, just as they are about to get away with a complete set of consumers' buying patterns and demographic profiles....

Pentium II Bug: Fatal, Un-fixable

A fatal bug which has turned up in all Pentium II processors, and apparently cannot be fixed, threatens to bring an end to computing as we know it.

In a special session of the Supreme Court, called to resolve the crisis, Chief Justice Hamilton Burger said, "If computing is eliminated, then there can't be a Starship Trooper website, and that's a threat to national security and the economy," and he immediately ordered a buncha U-2s to go drop nuclear warheads on Iraq, just in case.

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