Wednesday, November 11, 1998
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Netscape, Microsoft Founders Get Into the Riot Act

Atlanta, GA - (Nov 11) - Jim Barksdale, co-founder of Netscape Communications, and Bill Gates, co-founder of Microsoft Corporation, announced, today, that they were joining forces to co-found a new national chain of hi-tech riot schools catering to children of all ages and genders.

"It's time," a smiling Gates told reporters at the joint press conference announcing the venture, "to start training a great new cutting-edge force of people who can implement a well-organized world anarchy where all popular culture machines are swept away and there is no longer even a candy bar wrapper or new fast food menu selection left to kick around anymore."

But at that point Gates, apparently overcome by the cognitive deep structure of his very words, suddenly broke down and had to be consoled by Barksdale, who told reporters, as he held the sobbing Microsoft CEO, "Apparently we have strived too hard to differentiate ourselves through improved customer relations, and have perhaps been over-zealous in pursuit of, like, how there is no emotion, no bodily function, no fragment of an idea, no molecule, and no neutrino that could not and should not be turned into a fucking revenue stream. Yesterday."

But then Barksdale himself broke down and had to be consoled by Netscape co-founder, Marc Andreesen, who told reporters, as he held the sobbing Barksdale who still held the sobbing Gates, "Simply stated, gentlemen, we have learned that our value proposition is up its ass and have thus all become greatly disillusioned with the day to day civilizational bullshit where, as you know, all product is for entertainment purposes only and should not, in any way, be sucked dry of its erotic content for informational purposes or for purposes of understanding. Anything."

The Riot schools will train students to rise up en masse and go crazy, pouring into the streets in tightly coordinated ways, all linked together by wireless and satellite communications technologies which even the fall of all civilization will not disrupt.

"We will train these rioters," Andreesen told reporters, "to believe they have no peers. And, because they have no peers, they will also have no peer pressure and will, therefore, be willing and able to walk onto any stage, at any time, anywhere, and either take over completely or, if not, at least piss on everybody gracefully and exit, stage right, unharmed."

But as he spoke, Andreesen's voice cracked, and he also began sobbing uncontrollably and had to be consoled by Microsoft president, Steve Ballmer, who complained to reporters how "even though science will never understand enough, it has already revealed too much -- so now everybody knows what a piece of shit the world is."

At which point Ballmer, too, broke down sobbing. "There's only 2 jobs at this carnival, gentlemen," he sobbed, "and if you're not PT Barnum, then you better start praying you're not allergic to poultry."

And the press conference was over.

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