Wednesday, November 12, 1997
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IBM Develops New
Hi-Density Drives

IBM, a company, has apparently developed new hi-density drives. The new hi-density drives will hold like about 7 zillion gigabytes of information, which is about 2.793 zillion times the capacity of current drives.

According to an IBM spokesman, the drives are able to achieve their immense capacity by imposing some very minor restrictions on the nature of the data stored.

"These drives will store almost all data," the spokesman stated, "As long as it's utterly stupid, irrelevant, dishonest, disingenuous, hypocritical, and out-right wrong."

According to the spokesman, Wired Magazine has already ordered the entire first production run of the drives, and a new factory is near completion in Djakarta, which will manufacture the drives around the clock, exclusively to meet the data needs of the Wall Street Journal and the so-called "financial community."

Microsoft Sues Over Rep Tarnish

Microsoft Corp, of Redmond, Washington, the most despised and detested company in the history of so-called "human civilization," actually appears to have had the fucking balls to sue some tiny, actually pro-MS website for fucking "diluting and tarnishing" their fucking shitball despised and detested "trademark."

The suit however was thrown out by NY district court, because, as pointed out by the presiding Judge, Judge Wopner, "Microsoft is so profoundly hated for producing such tragically bad software, that there's really nothing left there to tarnish or dilute."

Fat is Back

According to an article in the New England Journal of the American Medical Association, not getting enough fat can lead to heart disease. This sorta contradicts past articles in the NEJAMA which have shown conclusively that getting too much fat can cause heart disease.

The article states that a diet "providing less than 25% of calories from fat, leads directly to heart disease and death within minutes. However, getting more than 25.4% of calories from fat also leads directly to heart disease, though death may take several hours or even days."

The article goes on to state that the negative effects of too little fat can be counter-balanced by taking 3 aspirin a day. However, another article in the same issue states that, while taking an aspirin a day prevents heart disease, taking 3 aspirin a day increases the risk of heart disease. However, the article goes on to state that this risk can be significantly diminished by drinking 3 glasses of wine a day.

However, another article in a previous issue of the Journal states that, while 1 glass of wine per day can greatly reduce the risk of heart disease, 3 glasses a day can greatly increase the risk. However, the article goes on to state, that the risk can be significantly mitigated by taking 4 hits of pure LSD everyday. But, as another article in the same issue of the Journal points out, "4 hits of acid a day, cures virtually everything -- so, like, why fucking bother?"

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