Fight Stupid Consumerism!! Buy my fucking book!! The Washington 
Friday, Nov 12, 1999

Radio Shack Buys Microsoft; Gates Tests Suicide 1.0
Radio Shack, the world's leading supplier of home deprovement products, agreed to buy Microsoft Corporation of Redmond Washington, today, apparently for, you know, "reasons."

Radio Shack's trademark home deprovement products have been turning multi-million dollar suburban homes into putrid piece-of-shit shacks where the radio's always on loud, for over 50 years.

These products are sold exclusively in every zip code in America to people who simply wanna piss off their neighbors.

As Microsoft's part of the deal, Bill Gates will run Microsoft Suicide 1.0 on himself as soon as possible, and when that, of course, doesn't work, will simply be added to the ever-growing list of people who should have been [quietly removed from History] 20 years ago, but now it's too late.

"Radio Shack," said Radio Shack CEO Joe Radio, "has been producing cheesy piece-of-shit products for over 50 years, and even though Microsoft has only been producing utter fucking piece-of-shit software for 21 years, we still feel they can be a great asset in helping to reach our common millennial goal of NOTHING not ever ever ever being anything other than a total utter fucking worthless cheesy piece of shit."

"This is a win-win blah blah blah or whatever whatever," said Microsoft CEO, Steve Ballmer. "While Radio Shack's cheesy piece-of-shit products affect people mostly in the eyes and ears, Microsoft's utter fucking worthless piece-of-shit products go right to the human brain pan, where all the genitalia and money are buried along with jokes and Freudian slips."

The concept that if everything isn't already an utter fucking worthless piece of cheesy shit, it SHOULD BE, first originated in the 17th Century when Rebecca de Kramer of Parma first posited the notion that "hey maybe if everything isn't already an utter fucking piece of shit, it, you know, like, SHOULD BE."

Since that time, blah blah blah whatever whatever.

"War On Drugs" Losing Focus
Following the lead of everybody else who doesn't know what the fuck they're doing, OR WHY, the so-called "war on drugs" has decided to change its name to the "war on rugs," and suddenly start being about either some vision beyond reason and beyond reality, or about being so strong that nobody could destroy them, not even themselves.

Some picture of something that somehow seems to go with the text 
below, though sometimes the connection is so counter-cosmic that only Barry 
Diller gets it
Concurrent with its buyout of Microsoft, Radio Shack launched an ambitious $500 million dollar bet-the-store ad campaign to introduce its new mascot and corporate symbol, Spanky the Monkey.

Salvation Army buys US Department of Defense -- will spin off Salvation Air Force, Salvation Marines

California ATM machines adopt eBay model: bid against strangers for your own money

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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC