Friday, November 13, 1998
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New Chip Obviates Cognition

Atlanta, GA - (Nov 13) - Motorola Semiconductor, today, announced a new chip that will greatly simplify the admissions process for teleportation bomber pilot candidate school, sending shares of its stock to a new "52-week high," if you know what I mean.

The advanced chip allows virtually anyone to easily navigate the complex and sensitive psycho-social terrain which, if navigated correctly, places them ultimately, and under another identity, in the Teleportation Bomber Pilot Training Program at Teleportation Bomber Pilot Academy, in Bethesda, Maryland, no questions asked.

In accomplishing this sensitive human balancing act using only silicon, the chip must accidentally employ a simple algorithm which replicates and surpasses all cognition and, therefore, anyone in the same room with one of these chips doesn't really need to bother with mere consciousness anymore, and can now go operate in the realm where stupidity is O-V-E-R!, or at least just so "yesterday."

However, the Cheap Justice of the Soup-Creme Court, who himself was a former teleportation bomber pilot trainee until it was learned that he'd worn the realm of human drama so thin that all he had left when he wanted something new was just the extremes of abuse and torture, yawn, declared the new chip to be illegal under the statute of limitations which regulates habeas corpus within the city limits without a permit pending notification of next of kin under Mike Tyson's recognizance.

Unfortunately, even though the chip appears to combine all power and wisdom, analysts claim it's still just another utter piece of shit, and Micron or AMD already came out with one exactly like it, years ago, and nobody cared.

Shares of the concept of shares itself rose on news that Cher, herself, would .... uh, something.

New Cognition Obviates Chip

A new accidental form of cognition, discovered while smoking dope on top of aspirin and cheap red wine, apparently can do everything a Pentium II running on a 100 megahertz bus can do, thereby apparently doing away with any need for microprocessors and graphics and memory chips altogether, and doing away with so-called "compute"rs as well.

Intel, AMD, Dell, Compaq, Gateway and IBM, promptly folded, firing everybody, who themselves all promptly just got so fucking disgruntled, they went out and killed everybody else. No exceptions.

Case closed.

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