Friday, November 14, 1997
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Clinton Threatens Iraqi Leader With Jones

US President, Bill Clinton, today, warned Iraqi President, Sadaam Hussein, that if he didn't, like, lighten the fuck up, the UN would "immediately send Paula Jones and her whole fucking family to Iraq to blue-ball his fuckin' totalitarian ass off."

"Let's see how he likes the kinda big-hair trailer-trash that American Presidents have to beg blowjobs from," Clinton told the press, after kicking over a few tables and chairs, to show how pissed he was about the downside of his fucking job, the so-called "highest office in the land."

Hussein has accused the US of trying to destroy Iraq by giving free Compaq Presarios running Windows '95 and MS Office '97, to every Iraqi citizen.

"Every asshole," said Hussein, "Knows that Microsoft's shit software reduces productivity to far below zero, and that Compaq machines are really made more for selling, buying, and repairing, than they are for, like, using."

Clinton, playing a dual role in a good-cop/bad-cop routine, hinted that if, in fact, Hussein, did, you know, like, lighten the fuck up a bit, he, Clinton, might just be willing to send Genifer Flowers as his personal envoy to Iraq, in place of Paula Jones.

"Aside from giving just one really great generic blowjob," Clinton hinted to Hussein, "She's also specifically skilled in the uhh, handling of the, uhhh, kinds of, you know, 'distinguishing characteristics' which, of course, all great world leaders share. As I'm sure you know what I mean."

Greenspan Goes Before Congress Again

Once again, Fed Chairman, Alan Greenspan, was called before the Senate Banking and Finance Committee which is probing his sex life with Andrea Mitchell, the NBC News correspondent he recently married.

After a lot of hemming and hawing and beating around the bush, and bogus dummy questions designed to distract and divert from the central topic of their inquiry, Senator Dingleball of Indiana, finally just outright asked Chairman Greenspan if he was, "You know, like, GETTING MUCH from old Andrea, Mr. Chairman?"

But, of course, Chairman Greenspan, as he has in the past, continued to insist that his relationship with Ms. Mitchell remained, you know, purely fiscal.

Quick Easy Solution to Year 2000 Bug

Researchers at MIT have come up with what appears to be an exceedingly elegant solution to the so-called Year 2000 bug, which had been predicted to cost many billion trillion dollars to fix.

The elegant solution thought up by the MIT researchers is apparently simply just to END CIVILIZATION IN 1999!!

Of course the obvious alternate solution proposed by the MIT group is just to convert all computers and calendars to hexadecimal and call the years after 1999, like, 199A, 199B, 199C, etc. -- in which case you get many "bonus" years to read all those back issues of Wired, and don't have to end civilization till, like, 1FFF, or so.

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