Monday, November 18, 1996
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Joint Strike Aircraft Designed
Specifically for American Youth

Wash, DC - (Nov. 18) - The Pentagon took a bold step forward in the development of its next generation fighter, the Joint Strike Aircraft, Saturday, when Secretary of Defensiveness, William Perry, named the 2 aerospace firms who'd given Pentagon officials the best blowjobs and would, therefore, now move on to the second round of the selection process which will, theoretically, require a little more than just blowjobs.

The winners of the first round are Boeing Aircraft of Seattle, Washington, and Colonel Sanders Aerospace of Lexington, Kentucky.

Madonna-Douglas Aerospace Ltd., a joint venture of pop singer Madonna and actress Illeana "I'm related to Helen Gehagen, not Kirk" Douglas, was eliminated from the bidding for reasons of sexism, racism, classism and homophobia.

The ultimate winner of round 2 will receive a contract worth about $545 Trillion, to pretend to build a plane that will not only never fly, but will also be obsolete by the time it's finished, even if it does fly. But what the fuck?

Though the Joint Strike Aircraft, in both winning prototypes, looks and performs exactly like most current fighters, its unique feature is a human interface designed specifically for American 10-year-olds who, in 8 years, will be the ones who'll have to fly this turkey.

According to Secretary Perry, "It's called the Joint Strike Aircraft because, very simply, you definitely wanna' smoke a couple of big fucking joints before you even think about flying it.

"And, in that sense," the Secretary continued, "It's quite precisely tailored for our American youth, who are easily the best in the world at getting really, really stoned and playing high-speed, mass murder video games."

When asked about the future, after the JSA, Perry was at first a little reluctant. "Well," he gave in finally, "I guess it doesn't take a rocket scientist to extrapolate from this plane to future possibilities, so, yes, I think I can say that we are seriously looking into obvious follow-ups to the Joint Strike Aircraft.

"One would, of course, be the Tab Strike Aircraft, where the pilot would definitely wanna' drop at least a few tabs of acid before she even thought about flying it. And also, maybe a lesser priority would go to the Line Strike Aircraft, where the pilot would definitely wanna' do, you know, at least a few lines of coke, before she even considered climbing into the cockpit."

Perry indicated that the so called Bong Strike Aircraft (where you'd have to smoke a whole bongload of skunk weed and maybe even drink the bong water before flying it) had been dropped from consideration because it required too rigorous a training protocol.

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