Tuesday, November 19, 1996
Please boycott (and/or smash!) our loyal anti-sponsors:

200,000 No-Shows Close COMDEX
After Only 1 Day of Snooze Shmooze

Las Vegas - (Nov. 19) - Comdex, which is some kinda dorky trade show or something, closed like 4 days early, on Monday, cause like nobody showed up.

Apparently nobody showed up cause there wasn't anything there that anybody gave a flaming fuck about.

"Just a lot of fuckin' robots," said Marc Annddrreesseenn, President and CEO of US Robotics, who showed up, alright, but what he has instead of a heart, clearly wasn't in it.

Larry Ellison, CEO of Emperor's Clothiers, showed up to launch his new line of either clothes or bullshit or both.

"Buncha losers," he said, pointing to the 5 or 6 non-exhibitors who were actually there to attend the show.

Kirk Vomit Jr., CEO of Wired Ventures, was there to announce his mag's purchase by kiddie consciousness king, Disney, Inc.

According to Vomit, "The Wired 'ideology' will be re-purposed as a comeback vehicle for either Goofy or Mickey or both, in an upcoming feature film tentatively titled, Fantasia V: Battle of the Empty But Elite Dickheads.."

A senior Vice President at Disney confirmed that the project was a "go" and that, "Though the Wired name will be eliminated completely, the sound track will definitely include a few snippets from 'Walk Don't Run,' by the Ventures."

Meanwhile, on the floor of the show, a few stragglers, who hadn't yet sold themselves out, wandered the aisles, looking for the last few potential buyers who hadn't yet fully committed themselves to being total slimeballs.

Bodies floated down a river.

A bee spat out a half-eaten ant scrotum.

Following the early closing of Comdex, the stock market started to crash. According to an analyst, "Comdex proved that high-tech has no future. That means there's no way for the economy to grow. That makes stocks a bad investment. So everybody sold. So the market crashed. Gotta run."

Larry Ellison, CEO of Nick's Pizza and Trucking, had his name withheld pending notification of next of kin. "Let's get the administration off the desktop and put it out in the fucking van, where it belongs," he said, anyway.

Various geeks committed suicide, but Wired Magazine tried to like pretend that it wasn't fucking Goofy and that like everything was cool and that we're still "on the verge of techno-utopia, despite all the scumbags and slimeballs out there, trying to ruin our digital dream, etc."

Presidents of generic-branded companies trotted out moribund products where exchange protocols added reseller value to live-feed processing by employing rich exciting push models to control rich exciting data-base applications throughout the enterprise.

These active big exciting new dynamic server protocols can push rich exciting design-time development controls and do more exciting things more quickly, you know, the push model site-strategy can create really easy rich exciting big dynamic data-base form-space, through the use of massively-parallel infrastructure development tools, modeled, you know, on the "Scumbuster," or the "Home Liver Lipo-suckter."

The sprinkler system went on in the huge hall.

According to the CEO of whatever the fuck company put the show on, "OK, so it blew, sucked, and ate it. So the people have spoken. So now we go back and rethink the whole thing from top to bottom. Then, in 6 months, we'll be back in Atlanta, with a brand new name -- like maybe CUMDEX or something filthy -- and a totally re-designed logo. And the musty show will go on."


Copyright (c) 1996 by C3F