Wednesday, November 19, 1997
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Disney Plans TWA 800 Ride

Ahem, CA - (Nov 19) - With the FBI investigation of the TWA flight 800 disaster now complete, sources inside the dark soul of the Disney Corporation have revealed that preliminary planning has already begun for a theme park ride which will accurately recreate the experience of the popular mid-air mishap.

Though little is known, at this point, it has been revealed that Disney's TWA Flight 800 Ride actually will blow up all its passengers, and, at the end, only put them 75% back together again.

Iraq "Crisis" Settled Amicably

Iraq and the UN, or whoever, early this morning, formalized an agreement which would end the current so-called "crisis in Iraq." [The world, after all, being just so fucking boring, that, if it's not a fucking crisis, then, like, why fucking bother?]

According to the agreement, all Iraqis who've written "The USA SUCKS!!" on their sidewalks, windows, or engine blocks, will now go out and write-in, right above the space between "USA" and "SUCKS," the word "DOESN'T," and then they'll cross out the "S" at the end of "SUCKS."

In exchange, Iraqi strongman or dictator or president emeritus or whatever, Saddam Hussein, will get to appear in at least 2 episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and the next MTV's "The Real World" will have 7 American 20-something wannabes, living together in a hip abandoned mosque in downtown Baghdad, and doing a little chemical weapons monitoring on the side, in between discovering that, shit, they're not really a lesbian, after all.

Bartleby the Anchorer

On the assumption that he is not a bot, and, therefore, doesn't contain the year 2000 bug, CBS has re-signed TV news anchor, Dan Rather, to another 5-year contract which will run through the year 2002.

When asked if he'd allow a medical team to determine the "is-he or isn't-he a bot" question once and for all, Rather replied that he'd, of course, rather not.

Policy One

According to an article in this month's New England Journal of Sociological Medicine, the primary motivation for people spending decades of hard work building outstanding reputations for honesty, integrity, and forthrightness -- is so that, one day, they can lie their fucking asses off and get away with the sleazy, big score of-a-lifetime, and then go live like bloated celebs in Cabo San Lucas or Katmandu.

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