Friday, November 21, 1997
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Septuplets Go On Killing Spree

Davenport, IA - (Nov 21) - Seven septuplets, disguised as septuplets, went on an apparently drug-crazed, random killing spree through the streets of downtown Iowa, early this morning, according to either the Iowa State Highway Patrol or the New England Journal of Medicine or the New England Conservatory of Music.

The seven septuplets, who were all personally delivered by Barbara Walters on the Larry King show, are now believed to be really outer space aliens only pretending to be septuplets, so as to put Americans off-guard while they and their allies brutally wipe out the population of the earth with lies, murder, and anthrax nasal spray.

"Much like Wired magazine," said Dr. Dan Demento, editor emeritus at the New England Journal of Medicine, "The Septuplets are Trojan Horses, posing as benign wannabes, but then, suddenly, one day, unleashing a barrage of murder and destruction, when they sense their host's defenses are down."

Sources at the Pentagon claim the Septuplets are not simply space aliens, but are more likely to be a joint venture between Satan and outer space aliens, because, apparently, "An operation like this one is really too, you know, capital-intensive for one party to go it alone."

Though Police suspect the Septuplets may try to join up with their leader, au pair Louise Woodward, in Boston, they are also keeping a close watch on all radio and TV stations within the quad city region, where, it is feared, the Septuplets may attempt to commandeer a broadcast facility in order to play their new single, "Hey, Hey, We're the Septuplets," over and over again, until it becomes more popular than Jesus, the Beatles and Candle in the Wind '97, put together.

Wired Lays Off 20%

The so-called "industry" was shocked and saddened, today, to learn that Wired Ventures will be laying off more than 20% of its so-called "work force," in the hopes of becoming 20% less lame.

What shocked the so-called "industry" was not so much that an intellectually bankrupt operation like Wired would also be financially bankrupt, but that there was even anything left of Wired to lay 20% off of.

Wired CEO, Marcia McLuhan, stated that the layoffs were by no means an indication that the company that invented the microprocessor, the microproctoscope, evolution and DNA, was about to board the Oblivion Express, southbound.

"Like all other great corporations," she said, "We're just trimming down. And not really deviating much at all from our original mission statement. Simply stated, Wired is just making a very smooth segue from being a company that was basically about getting laid, to being a company that's basically about getting laid off."

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