Study Shows Air Bags Take Lives;
Meanwhile, OJ Takes Stand

In a study just completed by the National Institute for the Study of Dangers Attributable to Air Bags, it has been determined that dangers such as nausea, vomiting, loss of appetite, and even death can be attributed to air bags such as William Bennett, William Saffire, George Will, Bruce Willis, Montel Williams, Sam Donaldson, Donald Trump, Rosie O'Donnell, Don King, Madonna, Cokie Roberts, Robert Bork, Pat Robertson, Pat Buchanan, John Malone, John McGlaughlin, Geraldo Rivera, Charles Grodin, Newt Gingrich, F. Lee Bailey, Dick Armey, C. Delores Tucker, Peter Huber, Ted Turner, Rupert Murdoch, Lewis Farrakhan, Tom Snyder, George Steinbrenner, Cher, Pamela Anderson, Quentin Tarantino, and Steven Seagal, to name just a few.

To cope with these dangerous air bags until a new generation of smartass air bag technology can be deployed, the institute has issued the following guidelines.

1. All air bags must be labelled with the warning label: "Warning! I am an air bag," as well as beginning and ending all public statements with the disclaimer: "I am a fucking air bag! Everything I am about to say/have just said, is an utter load of disingenuous bullshit, written by someone else, with an even slimier agenda than my own, and neither of us has the least fucking idea what we're talking about."

2. As soon as air bag orifice opens and begins to emit, spray immediately and continuously with low-cost plutonium aerosol spray made from botched Russian space probes.

3. Once each week, all certified air bags will be placed in a small locked room together, with a week's supply of alcohol, amphetamines, firearms, and Mr. Microphones, and forced to listen to each other's bullshit, with the only possible recourse being either: getting all shit-faced, getting all wired, out-shouting the air bag, or blowing everyone else and/or themselves away, without warning, emotion, or remorse.

According to a spokesman for the institute, "These guidelines will remain in effect until smart air bag technology becomes widely available, and pending the definition of just what it means to be a smart air bag, versus just what it means to be a smartass air bag."

Immediately following this statement, OJ Simpson took the witness stand and admitted killing Ms Brown in the patio with a knife.

"I killed Ron and Nicole," OJ answered, when asked if his name was spelled S-i-m-p-s-o-n, "But I didn't do it alone. My accomplices were: William Bennett, William Saffire, George Will, Bruce Willis, Montel Williams, Sam Donaldson, Donald Trump, Rosie O'Donnell, Don King, Madonna, Cokie Roberts, Robert Bork, Pat Robertson, Pat Buchanan, John Malone, John McGlaughlin, Geraldo Rivera, Charles Grodin, Newt Gingrich, F. Lee Bailey, Dick Armey, C. Delores Tucker, Peter Huber, Ted Turner, Rupert Murdoch, Tom Snyder, George Steinbrenner, Cher, Pamela Anderson, Quentin Tarantino, and Steven Seagal, to name just a few."