Wednesday, November 25, 1998
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Capitalism Merges With Heroin

Capitalism is merging with Heroin in a deal that will create the nation's largest independent retailer of "Out."

Terms of the agreement call for Capitalism to buy the smaller Heroin for, like, 100 billion in stock and damaged goods.

"As 'Out' becomes increasingly all anybody wants," said Capitalism VP, Archer Daniels, "we have learned that simply helping people sell it, is not enough. By merging with Heroin, a company dedicated to helping people get it, we will finally control all paths to "out," and from that paternal monopolistic position can gradually wean all the holdouts away from being stuck on getting it, into the camp of those who can't sell it fast enough.

"Meanwhile," said Daniels assistant RJR Midland, "whether you're hot to sell out or to get out, Capitalism will now for the first time offer you the kind of one-stop shopping you can't get anywhere else, up the wazoo."

The merger joins a series of recent mergers in which murder is what the merger is really all about.

"Since 'merger' sounds so much like 'murder,'" a spokesperson for merging stated, "they are hoping no one will notice and they can just get away with it up the wazoo."

The new entity, named after Rock 'n Roll, will be known as Capitalism 'n Heroin and will have a combined market capitalization estimated to be approximately up the wazoo.

According to analysts, the companies combined size will leave them better-positioned to leverage the many royal fuck-ups of the human genome and the many shortcomings of evolution herself.

The board of directors of the new company will be made up almost exclusively of people whose only association with "out" is that they are currently either nodding it or vegging or crapping it.

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