Wednesday, November 27, 1996
Please boycott (and/or smash!) our loyal anti-sponsors:

AOL Replaces One Shitty Search Engine
With Another

America Online, the interactive online service and content provider, announced, yesterday or Monday, that it would replace one shitty search engine with another. The shitty search engine being replaced is called "Webcrawler" cause it, like, "crawls" the, like, "web." And the shitty search engine that's replacing it is called "Excite" cause it's, like, uhh, "exciting," or something.

(A search engine is a complex piece of computer software which allows users to type in a word or phrase or even a complex boolean expression, and gives back usually tens of thousands of links to web pages which have absolutely nothing to do with the word or phrase or boolean expression except, occasionally, a random 3- or 4-letter sequence matches.)

According to AOL president, Steve Case, "We are very, uhh, excited, about replacing one shitty search engine with another, and we know that our, uhh, members, most of whom won't be around long enough to even notice, will be, uhh, excited too.

Rebecca Kramer, of Glastonbury, Connecticut, a long-time AOL member, seemed to confirm Case's optimism. "Yes, I'm, uhh, very excited about the new search engine and I'm sure no matter how shitty it is, it'll still be a lot less shitty than the last one. I'm really looking forward to typing 'fuck' and 'porno' into it and seeing what comes up."

Other AOL members, however, disagreed, and filed a class action suit or something, for some reason, probably because they were pissed off about something. Maybe they aren't getting enough action on AOL, or they feel that the action they are getting, isn't really class action.

Also, AOL got rid of GNN, but who the fuck knew what that was, anyway.

Shares of AOL rose from like a dollar fifty ($1.50) a share to about a thousand dollars ($1000.00) a share cause, according to a respected multi-nobel-prize winning economist, "There's a thousand fucking flaming moron suckers born every fucking day!"

Excite's exclusive agreement means that AOL's 7 million users will get to expose themselves to Excite's 8 billion porno seekers and, in exchange, Excite will buy AOL's "Webcrawler" for 15 billion dollars, and change the name to "Web-Tickler," to more accurately suit the, uhh, appetites of its suits and their, uhh, members.


Copyright (c) 1996 by C3F