Friday, November 29, 1996
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Relax!! -- NIH Nails Nervous Gene

Bethesda, MD - (Nov 29) - Researchers at the National Institutes of Health have discovered a gene which may determine how predisposed a person is towards such anxiety conditions as nervousness, depression, panic attack, pessimism, obsessive-compulsive disorder, sarcasm, and paranoia.

When asked about the implications of finding this gene, Dr. Knut Felsmann, the leader of the NIH team, responded, "Get outta my way, asshole! You don't really care about the fucking implications. Do You? Noooooo. You just wanna ask me some seemingly innocuous question to catch me off guard and trip me up and make me say something stupid that'll ruin my whole fucking career. Don't you! Yeah. I know all about you slimeballs in the media! You're just out for blood. My blood."

According to Rebecca Kramer, a bitter, cynical, pessimistic, obsessive-compulsive, anxious paranoid from Bayside, Queens, who writes a daily satire column on the internet (the world wide network of computer networks and pornography servers), "Man, I knew it! -- I always knew there was this cabal of CIA-Mafia Military-Industrial FBI-Moonie ATF Militia types who were out to get me -- conspiring since the beginning of time to keep the truth hidden from me and from all of us. The truth that we could all be happy and cheery, like Timothy Leary, or, at least, dynamic and sunny like the Energizer Bunny. But, nooooooo. They wanna see us suffer -- so they can feel superior..."

Though many other researchers in the field appear optimistic about the discovery, Dr. Eileen Kremmer, whose discovery of the gene for De la Turette's syndrome was recently discredited by Dr. Felsmann, warned that, "That Fucking asshole Felsmann is just bullshitting. Fuck his piece of shit gene. The scumbag. He's fucking lying out his ass. That shit-eating slimebucket gene doesn't do jack fucking shit!"

Another member of the NIH research team indicated that this same gene "may also be responsible for certain people feeling the need to come out with a completely new version of their browser, like every 3 months or so, even though each subsequent version, works, like, worse than the preceding one."

The gene is also believed to cause extremely disturbed people to like take the daily news and try to trash the fucking shit out of it because they are so fucking bored with the bullshit, pabulum, lies, distortions, and politically self-serving priorities displayed endlessly, self-righteously, disingenuously and hypocritically by the media, corporate leaders and all public people and members of all elites.

"With the gene for being an asshole already firmly under our belts," Felsmann was heard to say privately to a female reporter he was hitting on, "And now with the gene for being an uptight, paranoid, jittery, nervous wreck close at hand, I think we can pretty much claim a thorough understanding of all human psychology and all human behavior and all human motivation."

Oh yeah. -- According to Louis Pasteur or Jonas Salk or somebody, it turns out that "most people, in fact, have the 'nervous' version of this gene, so, in the end, it really doesn't mean jack fucking shit."


Copyright (c) 1996 by C3F