Monday, December 1, 1997
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"Weird Shit" ID'd
by DOJ at MS HQ

Redstone, WA - (Dec 1) - In a report apparently leaked to the press by a high source at the US Department of Justice, early today, a top ranking Justice Department official has apparently concluded that the Department should, "Screw this anti-trust crap -- and let's go after all the really weird fuckin' shit goin' on inside Microsoft, cause it'll play a hell of a lot better on Larry King and Dateline NBC, than anti-fucking-trust."

According to the report, some examples of some of the "weird shit goin' on at Microsoft" include the following:

1. -- A Microsoft Personnel Handbook describes the following technique for recruiting high-level management:

The recruiter stands outside on a busy pedestrian thoroughfare, leaning against a storefront, a few feet away from where some large labrador retriever has just, uh, relieved herself in a large, deep puddle, in the very center of the busy thoroughfare.

Now the first person who strides briskly and confidently across the, uh, puddle, without ever looking down or even noticing it and yet never comes anywhere near actually stepping in it, should be immediately hired, regardless of experience, level of education, or any other qualification or disqualification for whatever the available position is or isn't.

Inversely, or perhaps contrapositively, or whatever, anyone who sees the puddle well in advance, yet still manages to step squarely into the deepest part of it, should also be recruited on the spot, -- and immediately groomed to become either Larry Ellison's or Wired's new image consultant.

2. -- An internal memo indicates that Microsoft top management tacitly accepts employee malfeasance, under the general theory that "without the ability to be lying scumbags whenever they fucking feel like it, people would not have the moral strength to be scrupulously honest, every so often."

3. -- Microsoft's latest online content venture will attempt to appeal to that vast demographic that falls somewhere between the "readers" of Playboy and the readers of Playgirl. The new online and paper magazine, called Play-Bi-, according to an internal memo, "still doesn't know what the fuck it wants to be," and, until it does, will basically just put Anne Heche nude, on the cover every week, and go from there.

4. -- Microsoft's new publishing venture, "Microsoft Publishing Ventures," will be releasing a whole new line of cross-genre books, this winter. The first two, which will launch a series of animal books based on classic literary works, will be titled: Cat in the Rye and Cat-22.

Conversely, Microsoft's new publishing venture, "Microsoft Publishing Ventures," will also be releasing a new series of major new literary works based on animal books, this winter. The first 2 being, Catcher's Cradle, and Catch-22 on a Hot Tin Roof.

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