Monday, December 2, 1996
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Economy's Perfect, So Get Out
And Spend Your Ass Off

Well, according to, like, several hundred thousand multi-Nobel Prize-winning economists, the economy is like utterly perfect and everyone'll always have all the money they ever want, whenever they want, so people might as well get out there and, like, spend their fucking asses off.

"Man this economy is just so bitchin'," said Nobel, Pulitzer, and Humanitas Prize-winning microbiologist and macro-economist, uhh, what's his name, "You know, like, the CPI, like, inflation, like, unemployment, and, like, the GDP an' all, are all, like, you know, just soooo, like, just, just, right there. You know, right fuckin' there. No bullshit."

He went on to say that the economy is just so hip and so flexible that people will only have to work like maybe 1 or so hours a week to make all they need and can then spend the rest of their time "getting shit-faced and beating the crap out of each other, which'll have the added benefit of keeping population growth in check."

According to financial exorcist, William Friedkin, "Like, everyone I talk to has so many Mercedes and BMWs they don't have enough space to keep them all, so they have to keep going out and buying small islands in the Pacific just to store them, and hiring whole maintenance crews from the local island economy, just to keep the cars from, like, rotting out, so this incredibly perfect economy is like not only perfect at home, but is also spreading throughout the whole world, and lots of people in, like, Pago Pago and Tonga, for example, are benefiting to the point where they also have so many fucking Mercedes and BMWs, they don't know what to do with them so they, in turn, have to buy huge landfills in New Jersey or something, just to store them.

"So everybody everywhere is getting richer and richer and therefore happier and happier. Like, when was the last time you heard a kid bawling its head off cause it couldn't have like the complete works of some piece of shit superhero toy. Never! That's when. Cause all kids can now get all they want, whenever they want, so they're always perfectly happy and, contrary to most predictions, probably won't be rioting and killing their parents for at least a few more years, now."

In response to these utterly reliable predictions of economic perfection forever, billions of Americans went out and literally spent their asses off.

Rebecca Kramer, a typical American consumer from Oswego, New York, was spotted coming out of I-357 Magnums, a popular local warehouse discount store, arms stuffed with purchases, whose nature she was happy to share with us.

"Well, first, I got, like, all this fertilizer on sale for, like, my garden," said Ms. Kramer, popping open a huge box to show us. "And then I got a great deal on these pipes from the hardware department. And then I got, like, this really really cheap year's supply of kerosene, for like my Christmas lamps. And these, uhh, you know, these blasting caps were on special, so I couldn't not pick up a couple cause, you know, I've got, like, this country place, an' all."

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